One month

So, I've been moved out for a month now, and holy cow, I have a lot of stuff. It amazes me how much stuff I have. Books, DVDs, camping gear, and pictures (along with frames). I have boxes that still haven't been put away because I need to figure out what to do with them all. I think I'm going to have to just donate much of the stuff. My Internet still hasn't been turned on...damn power outages and high winds.

Slowly, the place is coming together. Once everything is put together, I might have a house warming. For those that did help, thank you. Without your help, I wouldn't have been able to move so quickly.

Dejavu

Dejavu, that feeling or knowledge that you've done something before, or something happening and you feel that you've been through it. All those years ago, when I first started dating  my ex-wife, she had gone through a difficult time when her grandfather died. She was a mess, especially since she had just visited him less than a month before. She had a difficult time, and I was there for her. Fast forward to present day, and it's like dejavu.

My current girlfriend is going through the same thing. She just lost her grandfather, and she too just saw her grandfather less than a month before. I'm not trying to draw any parallels to the two relationships, as each are unique from each other. However, it did make me wonder if this is something that happens around me. Do I have some phantom that follows me around and offs grandfathers of those that I date? I'm not trying to make a joke, but it is something that I wonder.

I'm helping her focus...making sure that she gets to grieve, but still getting the things that needs to be done done. There will be time to grieve in a week...finals, get that done...I might sound cold, but it's the truth. The dead are dead...they'll still be dead when finals are done. I've lost people in my life as well, but things need to get done. We need to hold ourselves together to get them done, then we can grieve. When my father past, I had to keep it together. My family around me were heart broken, but I had to keep it together for my mother. She needed someone to be able to lean on, and so I was that rock. The foundation that kept her going, doing thing that needed to get done, even when we didn't want to.

Once again, I'm that rock. One more week, that's all. One week of keeping it together, then she'll be able to take the time that's needed for grieving. So for now, we got to take it one day at a time...slow and steady.

I finally moved out.

So last week I announced that I was officially divorced, this week, I'm moved out.

I'll be honest, I thought I could still live there in the house that we bought together. I thought that I could make due with being in the same house, even though she didn't sleep there anymore. I thought things would slowly get better for me, but ultimately, I wasn't happy. Sure I was in better shape than when I first started, but happiness was temporary. When I wasn't home, sure, my mind was elsewhere so it was easy to forget everything, easy to move on. However, I still had to come home at night. See the photos, the house, the rooms. Things that we bought together, our dog, which is now her dog.

In addition, I'll be honest, living there, I couldn't save any money. Everything that was divided, well turns out I've been paying for everything, mortgage, insurance, prop tax, everything. She was taking from me what I was suppose to be paying once a month, twice a month. Well, anyways, what's done is done. I'm out. Done. Finished.

Long run, this has got to be healthier for me right? I mean, staying there was driving me crazy. I felt uncomfortable in my own "home." People kept telling me that I needed to get out of there, and so now I finally have.I have my own place now. I have my own stuff. So begins a new chapter. A new part to this journey that is called life. I have my friends and my family, what more could I ask for.

It's official!

So Monday was my official date of my divorce. A friend once told me, "you never forget you're first. First kiss, first xxx, first divorce!" I honestly wish we could have parted ways still being friends, but there's just too much of a difference between us. I find this funny since we have been with each other for soooooo long. Alas, people change. Or in my case, didn't change.

My mom called me the other day to wish me congratulations on my divorce. I thought that was funny. Then she started to say that I should let her choose my next girlfriend, but stopped short if stating so. She realized that she did choose the ex, lol.

So what's happening, I'm finally moving out. I'm easing my hands of this entire thing. Walking away and never turning back. Today (actually Monday) will end this transitional chapter that I've been stuck in for way to long. My next post will be from my new place, where I can rebuild. To until next time.

Oops

<p>Checked out my paperwork...still married, well until the 24th that is. How I messed up on the date I haven't got a clue.</p>

The day its finally here!

Tomorrow it will be final. I will be officially divorced. I will no longer be attached to the women that I spent the last 3 years calling my wife. Looking back six months posted by fairly quickly.

Looking back, and rating all the things that I had written and recorded, both published and unpublished, I've come a long way. I've gone from my world tumbling down around me to actually being happy again. From crying (yes I'll admit to crying) every night to sleeping the whole night through. From being hurt and confused about what to do with my life to moving in a new direction.

Its amazing how much  can change in 6 months, but for now, I'll just stop here until everything is final. So until tomorrow.

Two weeks

Two more weeks and I'm a free man. Two more weeks and this chapter can be closed. Two weeks.

Also, have you ever noticed that after Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says W - T - F?

Really? Trying to have her cake and east it too!

As I've mentioned previously, I'm dating someone new, and she its dating the guy that was "just a friend." Most nights she doesn't even come home anymore. Well on a recent night, my girlfriend leaves and she happens to come home. And a situation develops.

She's getting 60 of the 60/40 split on the equity if the house, but expects me to pay 50% of the mortgage. What's that all about? I tell get that I'm going to only pay 40% since that us how much I'll be getting when the use is sold...she flips. She  saying that it isn't fair. That I'm home more often than she is and I bring my girlfriend over etc. Hey, I never told her not to come home. I never told her to spend nights at his house. It's get choice not to come home. Right?

She goes on to talk about how I'm immature and a bastard, and asked when I'm going to grow up. I don't get this whole thing. She then starts to bring up things from the past about how debts aren't getting paid that were in her name before we were married, and how unfair it is that she is paying for them, and that debts were paid when we were married, etc, again...I'm confused. Lost again. Everyone I deal with her, she makes new feel like I'm this bad guy for standing top for myself.

I really don't understand her. Does she really expect me to just give her everything? Is that wheawhat I'm suppose to do?

Dating: Too Soon?

When should I start dating? How much time should pass? Should I wait for the "ink to dry," or get a head start now?

I was talking with a good friend of mine and he commented that I'm dealing with this whole thing pretty well. I've "recovered" (if I can use that word) quicker than he did, and that I look happy. I went on a couple of dates a while back, and I have to say I was nervous as a mother. Things, to me felt awkward, but much of that had to do with the fact that I hadn't been on a date is over a decade. I was dating someone new, and I'll be honest, I'm was much more comfortable with her, but again, I ask..."I'm I dating to early?" Is there a right or wrong time to start dating again, or does it just happen? Is there a time when I should start? Allow some time pass then get back up on that horse, or just be like the Nike slogan, Just Do It!

Well, I'm here to say that I thought I was going to wait...give it some time. However, life did not want my life to go that route. I'm dating someone...were taking it slow, but I'll say it serious. Serious enough for me to say that we're exclusive. I know, it's very soon...but hey, it just happened.

Dreaming Again

I've been dreaming again. It's kind of weird really. Normally I don't remember the dreams that I have, but I know that I've had a dream. However, when my life drastically changed, well I didn't remember dreaming very much. Now, I'm not sure if I was or wasn't dreaming, I just can't recall if I did or didn't. Dreams are interesting.


Some say dreams are our subconsciousness revealing things to us that we don't want to, or can't deal with consciously yet. Others take dreams as being literal, a cow in your dream is just a cow in your dream. Some think that dreams are windows into the future, that each thing that you dream of is an omen. I'm not sure which school of thought is correct, and honestly I'm not sure if I want to know. How about I just tell you about my dream, and you can decide what it's about.


The Dream
So I slept the first night through without waking up somewhere in the middle of it. Which is a huge accomplishment. Not sure when I was dreaming about, but I'm going to guess is was futureish. I had my own place and my ex was in it. (BTW, giving the short version). I'm assuming it was close to signing or we just signed our papers, making everything official. I was in my place, and she came over. We talked. She was asking for something (memory of the dream is slipping away as I type this) and apparently didn't like my answer. She left, I woke up.


Hmm, come to think of it, that's now a very good explanation of a dream...hahaha. Well, I'll try an remember better next dream. I'm glad that I'm dreaming again. It means things are getting back to "normal" right? Oh well.

Shopping!

Shopping, something that men and women do very differently, generally speaking. Men tend to be 'get-in, get-out' style. Women on the other hand like to walk from store to store, look at every item, and try on every other. Now I'm not saying that one way or another is correct, or even that one style is better than another, there just different. As I posted on an earlier post, I've been slimming down. In the at slim down process, much of my wardrobe that fit me before, I know swim in. Shirts, pants, you name it, I'm swimming in it.I use to wear 36 waist pants, at first because it was the style that I wore, now even a 32" is loose after I eat. I'm slightly up in my weight to 170, but the inches keep coming off. I know I've hit that point where I've lost much of my fat (still have some), and muscle is developing. But I digress.

So with this weight lost, I've been in dire need of new clothes. I finally went with my brother from another other to his suit place. This place is truly a man's store. We walked in, and I told the sale rep what I was looking for, and in a matter of minutes, he was able to put together a look that I just fell in love with. No I don't have pictures...yet, but I'll update this post when I take some. The sales rep was a funny guy, telling me that I could get married in it, and I responded that I was getting divorced. At the moment, what seemed like everyone in the store came over to shake my hand. It was a joke...getting divorced, buy a suit. The best part of all this, the suit out the door with all the accessories was less than $300. I remember when I bought my first suit...it was close to $500, and wasn't even close to the quality that I got. They have truly gotten a new life time customer in me.

Buy a suit of this quality also means that you need to get it tailored. We walked around the corner, and in a small hole-in-the-wall place I got that taken cared of for $6! and I waited less than 10 minutes! Yes I'll tell you where I went at the end of this post. In addition to my clothes, I've recently gotten into hats.

Now I'm not talking ball caps or the like. I'm talking about fedoras. I've never been a real big hat guy, but I'll be damned I look good in them. I bought my first one in H&M on sale, and I'll be honest, it looked nice...now, well it's starting to look its $5. I went to C-town and got better quality ones in more styles and colors...now, well you'll see when I get the pictures up.

So to wrap this post up, yes women and men shop differently. Us men tend to spend less time getting the things we need, whereas women tend to spend more time looking for things that they don't. Men, don't get mad at your woman...understand that they is they way they are. Let her know that you're not into the long hours of shopping, but be kind about it. Occasionally go on a shopping trip with her, let her know that you're willing to do something you don't enjoy, just don't expect it all the time. And ladies, understand that your man might not enjoy shopping as much as you do, so cut him some slack from time to time. Enjoy the times he does go, but don't make him feel like a jerk when he doesn't.

So here's the places I mentioned above:

Roger Stuart Closthes

729 S Los Angeles St

Downtown

Los Angeles, CA 90014

Richard's Tailor Shop

111 E 7th St

Downtown

Los Angeles, CA 90014

Kids

I've always wanted my own kids. Having a "mini-me" running around playing. Watching them grow up. Having them ask you questions you have no idea how to answer because we as adults tend to over think everything. When I was younger, I had an huge hand in raising my brother that is 18 years my junior. Taught him how to read, took him to zoos and museums. Bought him books, and explored amusement parks, camping trips to Bryce Canyon, and just had tons of fun. I missed that...heck, I still do.


When I got married, I figured that I would sooner, rather than later, have a small bundle of joy to call my own, but I'm glad that we never had kids together. Now when the property is sold, and the divorce is final I'll be able to walk away and never have to have anything to do with her anymore.


I still want kids in the future, but I don't think it's going to be soon. I do enjoy kids though. I guess I'll have to just settle for other peoples kids to play with...huh, that could sound wrong....

Every man should know how to cook.

"Why, cooking is a women's job."

Yeah, good luck with that one. In today's society, we have many women in our world that don't know how to cook. And to be honest, why should they know how to cook just for you? that's just wrong of you to think that. The old belief that a women's place is in the home is as outdated as your way of thinking about the world. Let's be honest with ourselves here. Women today are just like men. They have dreams and aspirations that sometimes don't include men, marriage, or kids. That side, many also don't cook. With their education and careers being their priority, who has time to cook, let along learn how to do it? The same reasons that us men will use for not having learned this valuable skill, the women of today use them also. So I'm here to make the case of men (and women) learn how to cook.

For me, I have a vested interest in this. My ex used the reason that I didn't cook enough (not that I didn't cook, just not as often as she would have liked) as a reason for cheating on me (read the earlier post for the back story, no need to re-explain all that). So I'm going to start a new blog on how to cook. I'll be sharing some of my favorite recipes, as well and recipes that I've found in cookbooks, online websites, and heck, even ones shared by you (if you so choose to help in this project). If you look at the time of this blog, you will see "The Food" as a tab. There's the link. For those of you men out there than are too lazy to do that, here's a direct link:

confused-man-the-food.blogspot.com

My first post is up there already, so enjoy.

Another Step Towards Freedom

I took another step towards freedom the other day, the disillusion of my marriage. The document has now been signed, dated, and notarized. Parts of me are still angry about this whole thing, but it's a healthy angry. I should be angry...my therapist said so. So now with the next step in the long process out of the way, the question becomes how much longer? Well, I don't have a definitive answer for that question, it's all up the the bureaucracy of our cash strapped government. The document needs to be reviewed by a judge and then signed off my him/her. Only then will this whole thing called marriage be over, well it's over, but not officially.

I'm reminded of a class I took way back in the very beginning of my undergrad program. The class was titled, 'Intimate Relations.' No, the class was not about how to be intimate with someone, but more on how relationships worked. It attempted to explain how people fall in love, fall out of love, and how some couples who seem to have nothing in common can profess to be in love at all. To illustrate the last point in particular; an older gentleman with a very young lady. Many of us would make an argument as to the validity of their love for one another, I'd argue that they do genuinely love each other, and here's why.

It all comes down to SPIT. If one person finds another person's SPIT desirable, they can genuinely fall in love with that person. On the other hand, once the SPIT is no longer desirable, they fall out of love. This concept is very simple of understand. Before I give you some examples, let me explain the meaning of SPIT. SPIT is an acronym for Socio-economic status, Physical appearance, Intellect, and Temperament.

Soceio-economic status refers to two things; wealth and position. When some desires one of those things and they fine someone that has this trait, then the begin to fall in love with them. It could the sense of security that one feels from being finacially secure, or maybe its the power and respect that is afforded to those in position of power. Whatever it is, someone desires this, and they will seek someone else that has this. Often times some people that have this desire are called "gold diggers" but when you talk to someone that truely desires these traits, it can be genuine love. This also explains how we can stop loving someone. Once this desired trait disappears or goes away, so does the love.

Physical appearence is obvious. We call do it. We look around and see a pretty woman, or a hunky guy (for the ladies that is, not my cup of tea), and we go ga-ga over how they look. Models, movie stars, singers, they all have an appearce about them that one group or another finds attractive. This is usually one of the first qualities of a person that we notice, and for you to deny that a persons physical appearences doesn't play a roll in whether or not you find someone attractive, you're lying to yourself. Now, I'm not saying that every person you have a relationship with must be a 10, but we tend to converse with those that are easier on the eyes more. Of all the attributes of SPIT, this one tends to be the one that changes the most. Let's be honest, our physical appearance is highly correlated to our age. So the older we get, the harder it is for us to stay attractive. I'm not saying we can't be attractive at an older age, but I'll say that we need to work harder and staying that way.

Intellect, one of the attributes that can sustain a long term relationship. Being able to have an intellectual conversation is important. Yeah, some one can be nice to look at, but what's the point if you can have a conversation? Think of a time when you met someone that was very attractive, then the opened there mouth and you just walked away. Or a time you were so unimpressed by a statement some made that just changed you whole persective on them. On the flip side, someone you me, you might not have thought of as being physically attractive, but over time you're able to connect on an intellectual level, and then feelings being to develop. When we connect on an intellectual level, our status in society may changem we can even get old and wrinkley, but the connection is still there.

Fianlly we have Temperment. This is another one of those long lasting attributes. How does this person react. Are they honest? Paticent? Short tempered? Quick to anger? Understanding or stubborn? These are the things that can make or break your relationship. Even if we find someone that has the attribute that we desire, let's say Socio-economic status, without intellect and/or temperament, what do we have? Nothing...we have a relationship that is based on status or material things. If that status or wealth disappears, so does the love.

So in my case, what happen? Well, that's a topic for another time, after I've had time to reflect on my own situation. All-in-all, I know that I'm closer today to this ordeal being over with, and I look forward to the day I can start the next chapter in my life.

A warm bed.

So this past week has been kind of hard. I haven't been sleep all that well. It started with waking up 30-60 minutes before my alarm was set to go off. I attributed this to the fact that the sun has been rising up earlier as well, so I tried keeping the blinds down so the sunlight wouldn't be so bright, but no luck...still up early. More recently, I've been waking up at 3 in the morning. No reason, just sometime in the 3 o'clock hour, I'd wake up. Again not sure what's causing this. The only thing that I can think of is I'm lonely.

For the last decade I've always had my ex in bed with me. Up until the separation, I could count on two hands the number of nights we weren't in the same bed. Now, I'm not writing this to say I want her back...I don't, but there something to be said about having a warm body in bed next to you. We're social creatures, and I, more than others I know, crave to be touched. With this divorce, I'm alone. I go to bed alone, and wake up alone. I actually crave physical contact. I'm not sure how to describe how I feel exactly because I'm not sure myself. I just know it's not a feeling that I enjoy.

Over time I guess this too will come to past, but I still felt that I should write about this. Keep a log, if you will, on my process through this adventure that we call life. The paper work has been signed by us both, and now we get to wait for a judge to sign off on everything...so once that happens, I'll be a free man.

Do you exercise so you can eat or eat so you exercise?

Over the past decade, we as a society have been obsessed with dieting. We're always looking for the quick way to loss weight, look thin, be fit; an entire industry has developed earning billions of dollars a year. It seems like every month we're learning about a new diet, pill or piece of exercise equipment to help us in our efforts to gain the body we always wanted. Now experts; nutritionists, exercise physiologists, doctors, trainers have all been preaching the formula for years now, but no one seems to listen. Watch what you eat (portions here) and how much physical activity do you do.

A good friend of mine once told me, "I exercise so I can eat."

This, to me, sums it all up. Are you eating so therefore you exercise? or do you exercise so you can eat? That's the simple question. Do you stuff yourself throughout the day, so  you feel obligated to go to the gym and get some cardio in? Do you guilt yourself into getting off the couch and moving your body? That's what you need to ask yourself. Do you eat more than you need to sustain your activity level? Well do you?

Or are you in the other group? You exercise so you can eat. Michael Phelps, this was a guy who, if you looked at what he ate, didn't give you the image of the best diet. Pizza all the time. But hey, when you swim as much and as hard as he does, burning up all those calories, you can do that. So get up and exercise...burn those calories off. The more you burn, the more you can eat. Remember moderation, eat whatever you want, just remember these simple equations:

• Calories in > calories burned = weight gain
• Calories in = calories burned = weight maintained
• Calories in < calories burned = weight loss

The Divorce/Breakup Diet!

Over the years, in my very long relationship, I gained some weight. It happens in just about every long-term relationship I've seen. This isn't to say that it always happens, but I'll just say it happens more often than not. During my tenure with my ex I went from 160 to one 195 at my heaviest. Now I'm not blaming it on her, by far, I know it was me. Over the course of the years that we were together, we both over indulged ourselves with food and lack of physical activity. The pairing of the two did not go well together.

But, one great advantage of everything that has happened is that I've begun my transformation. I've gone from 195, my heaviest in December, back down to 169! I like to call it the Divorce/Break-up Diet! Its as if my body knows that its on the market again, and the 195 lbs, 25% body fat isn't attractive. Once I discovered the infidelity of my wife, and come to realize that there was no hope of saving the marriage, well my body went into the transitional stage that I'm in now. I began shedding the pounds, dropping my body fat percentage down to it's current 15%. I'm much more active now as well.

One of the great things that my ex introduced me to was The Bar Method. Now, just to be clear...I'm not getting any money to promote them or their studios. I just enjoy the classes, and I see results. It also doesn't hurt that the classes are primarily filled with women with great bodies! It helps to keep my motivated. OK, back to topic. Bar is a no-impact workout that focuses heavily on isometric contractions (exertion of force without a change in the length of the muscle or muscles exerting the force). Now I could go into details about all the benefits of the classes, but hey, if you want to know you can look it up.

Over the months, I've talked to a great many people about my situation, and I've heard from many back that they are also struggling with their relationships. Whether they're married, or just dating...it just seems that this isn't a good year for relationships. Well, at least for some people I know. Strange. However, one thing that I have noticed in common with these relationships, my own or others, everyone is in the divorce/breakup diet. My friends and I are trying to better ourselves, not for our partners or spouses. Not even for future partners, but for ourselves. I'm making changes for me. I'm making changes so I can live a healthier and more active lifestyle. One that I've been wanting to do, but have been held back.

So those out there going through a rough patch, get out there and get active. You don't have to go big, start small...maybe just walking for 20 minutes after dinner. Give yourself some me time, it's OK. Find things you always wanted to do and go do it. You don't have a partner to hold you back anymore...you're your own person living for yourself. See and feel your body change, and enjoy it for the better.

Family, can't live with them, but what would you do without them?

Throughout our lives we have many decisions to make; who to be friends with, boyfriends, girlfriends, where to go to school, where to live, what kind of car to buy, shopping, clothing, all sorts of choices that we must make. It is with these choices that we live our lives, day in and day out. We have to deal with the consequences, whether good or bad, they are ours, and we have no one to blame but ourselves. However, one thing that we don't have a choice about is family.

Family is one of those things that we can't really do anything about, kind of like taxes and death. We can try and avoid them, but they're always there. We can run away, but they're always there. One of the things that I was dreading the most when the ex and I decided to go our separate ways was telling my family. I was ashamed of myself.

I didn't want to have to explain the situation. Explain the who, what, when, where, why and how to them. I didn't want to deal with it. Like I said, I was ashamed. I felt much of all that was happening was my fault. This is how I felt when this was happening. Eventually, after a good period of time, I was able to let my brothers know. They were the first in my family to know. I didn't want them to tell my mother, so I told them not to, I wanted to do it. My mom was out of the country at the time.

By the time she came back home, I was ready to tell her. By then I had already begun my process of accepting what happened. Was dealing with moving on and forward with my life. When I finally told her, she accepted my explanation and asked me what I wanted to do. When, she accepted my reasoning...my chosen course. This is why we can't live with them, but without them is out of the question. Love your family, and let them know you love them.

To All My Fathers

I was ten when my father left us; mother and 3 boys, 10, 8, and 5. He left us with nothing...no money, no car, nothing. Growing up, my mother did her best, but we still had no father. Sure he visited on the Sundays in the beginning, but that stopped almost as soon as it started. My mother had a boyfriend, and he tried to be a father...but I never saw him as one. However, there has been 4 men in my life that I would consider as my fathers, or father figures.

First was Sabumnim, my Taekwondo instructor. From the time I was 13 until I went into college he was there for me. He spent time with me, and taught me not only Taekwondo, but what it was to be a man. Camping trips, sleepovers, tournaments, or sometimes just hanging out at 7-11. He helped me through my impressionable youth and kept me on the right path. For that I thank you.

Next, after going to college I met another man that has had a great influence on me...Sensei, my judo instructor. This man took me under his wing, guided me through the part of my life that we call adulthood, but yet I was still seeking guidance. Through him I learn much of what I know now about survival, health, wellness, and now I strive to perfect my character. I hope that I can be like him when I get to be his age. Thank you for teaching and guiding me in my path of becoming a great teacher.

My Father-in-law (unfortunately soon to be ex). This man took me in when I had no where to go. He treated me as his own son. We would have meaningful conversations about anything under the sun, or just sit and play Columns on the the Sega Genesis. Always patience, and never violent. He treated his family with nothing but respect, and loved and cared for everyone. You have given me an image of marriage that I will aspire to achieve in my future relationships. I know that even though you are still here among us that we will not see or talk to each other much if ever again, and for that I am sad.

Finally, my step-father, who was more a father to me than my own biological father ever had been. This man took in a women that already had 3 boys (16, 14, and 11) and treated them as his own. Taught us, raised us, provided for us. He wasn't like most other dads, taking us to ball games, or throwing the ball out in the yard/park. But one thing he did do...he loved all of us. Not just his new wife, my mother, but all of us.

One of the hardest things in my life that I've had to deal with was his death. I literally watched as he died. During his time dealing with his illness, he was living with me and my fiance at the time (the soon to be ex)...it was difficult for me...seeing him have is bad days and good ones. Listening to this man struggle to walk up my stairs, or eat his food. I'll always have fond memories of him, and I miss him dearly. He was taken from us to early.

The hardest thing this year for me...well, I'm loosing another father. I have a feeling once everything is finalized (divorce) I'll never hear from my father-in-law again. The idea of this also saddens me, but there's nothing that can be done. So, on this Father's Day, Happy Father's Day to all you fathers out there.

"How are things going?"

I've been getting this question quite frequently lately. "So, how are things going?" And lately, my answer has been "Great." However, I've been thinking...am I really doing great? Have the past six months really led me to feeling great? Have I really moved on from all the pain, anger, confussion and a whole host of other emotions?

That's the question that I've been asking myself as of late. Has my trust and faith in someone be ripped away from me? Being lied to my face, then and now, "friends" betraying my trust. Can I and have I really gotten over it? That's the question I keep asking myself.

I've been thinking about this over the past few weeks, and the answer is yes. Yes, I'm over it. This is not to say that I don't think or talk to her anymore, but it's minimal. Mostly, taking care of various things, nothing more. Well at least not for me. I spend time working out, hanging out with friends. Meeting new people and having meaningful intellectual conversations with them. In all honesty, I feel great.

I'm happy. I feel, in a way, free. OK, how about more free? Regardless, I changing who I am. I feel better about who I'm becoming. I'm not suppressing myself anymore. I'm getting back to my "roots." Could this be denial? Maybe, ask me in another few months, but right now...I'm feeling and doing great.

When Life Gives You Lemons

I came across this picture and I thought it was the funnest this I'd read in quite awhile. If you've been following my blog, you know what I've been through these past few months. I'll say that it was a total emotional roller coaster ride with ups and downs.

Life had given me lemons, and to be honest, these were some sour lemons. I tried to rationalize it, to justify it. I joked about it, laughed at it, but ultimately I had to get mad at it. It wasn't until I got mad (I have since gotten over it) that I was then able to move on. Making lemonade is great when your given lemons in life. The problem is that making your lemonade doesn't stop the problem of life serving up some more lemons. You have to get mad. And after you do, well, that lemon tree with be gone...you won't have to worry about the lemons messing with your taste buds again. At least from that tree.

So get mad, it's ok. Get mad let that help you make things right.

Cheating, I didn't mean to.

So I was driving to work the other day and happen to be listening to a morning show on the radio (don't ask which one, I don't remember). The topic of the morning was cheating. This was brought on by the how Wiener sexting scandal. The morning personalities were discussing what would/should constitute cheating. Of course they had callers calling in with varying opinions, kissing, sexting, hugging, sex...it ran the entire gambit.

So this topic got me thinking, what is cheating?

Now I can't say my answer will be the definitive answer that everyone agrees with, but hey it's going to be my answer (its my blog so there, like it or leave it).

I remembered when my ex and I first got together all those years ago...and we had this issue with cybering. Cybering was the chat room equivalent to sexting today, minus photos. One night in particular I got up and notice that she was on the computer...I went over and she was cybering with someone...at the time, I got crazy. I didn't understand why she was doing that, and I felt very hurt. So why do I bring this up? Simple. What I consider cheating then, isn't necessary what I consider it now.

As I mentioned in my previous post [Less Social, technology is making us.], "Communication is key to keeping any relationship going, whether its romantic or platonic." If you communicate with your partner and make clear what you each consider cheating, then much headache can be avoided down the road. Let's be honest, we and human beings do not and can not know what each other are thinking. Sure we can infer, but that's still just a guess. Talk it out, make sure you both know what each other consider cheating. A good rule of thumb...if you wouldn't tell them what you wrote...maybe you shouldn't write it.

I can look at flirting and sexting and all the other things that people do out there as cheating...but let's be honest. Many of us do this as part of our habit...but what are the intentions? and have you had this discussion with your partner. If you haven't, maybe you should.

Less Social, technology is making us.

The down fall of civilization as we know it? It's interesting that with the amount of connectivity we all have with all of our wonderful gadgets and gizmos, that I feel that as a society we are very far apart from one another. One of the things that contributed to my relationship downfall was this very fact. I'm not one to place the blame solely on one or another, however, one of the points that I made while we were attempting to reconcile was this very point.

In the time leading up to our separation and eventually filing for divorce, I noticed that we didn't spend very much time together communicating, even though we lived together, drove around to and from places together and saw each other everyday. Case in point, usually I'd drive us around, if we had to go somewhere. During these car rides, she would be texting/chatting /FBing the entire time. I was lucky to get a word or two out of her. I should have really noticed something was up when she would let whomever she was chatting with know that I was not looking and reading over her shoulder...much like kids would do when chatting with friends at home and an parent walked in.

So, are our smart phones working against us to make up less social with those around us? Next time you're out and about, look around. How many people are sitting right next to each other at the same dinner table. How many are actually having conversations with each other? How many are spending a majority of there time looking at their phone instead of the person right across from them? Let this be a warning signs folks. Communication is key to keeping any relationship going, whether its romantic or platonic. So be social, and stop using social media as your means of being social.

Being Spiteful

So, I find out a few days ago that the soon-to-be-ex has finally gotten around to blocking me from her wall on FB, when this happened I wasn't sure, but I do know that it happened after I saw a picture of her and her new man (the one that she cheat on me with) on a picture that a mutual friend commented on.

After I saw this, I knew that she still has a thing for this guy, not that it matters, but it's something that she is finally willing to make semi-public knowledge. Now I don't want to say that I'm trying to be spiteful, but WTF! Our divorce isn't even final yet, but she wants to post up pictures of this creep? Well, doesn't matter, I've deleted her as a friend. (hat's not spiteful right?) While I was at it, I deleted a couple of her friends as well that have since blocked me from their info, people that never even asked me what was going on, or how I was, just a complete break from communicating with me, oh well.

Not sure how do deal with everything, but hey, we play the cards we're dealt, and we make the best of it. Found out where the creep's new job is...thinking of making a phone call, but whatever...I don't think I can be that mean/spiteful. Besides, I have other things to think about now.

Friends, the right nows and forevers

Friendships are really amazing. During the good times, we have many people that we call friends, and during the difficult times we find out who our real friends are. Over the course of the last few months, I've had the chance to really connect with those around me, friends and family. With family, I was relieved when they told me that they supported whatever choice I made. This could be that they're my family, but to be honest, it was difficult for me to share with them everything that I had been going through. When I told them my story, I was extremely nervous.

Friends, now this was a group that I also didn't really want to tell, but I'm glad that I did. I really got a chance to figure out who my friends really were. People that I had not seen high or low of, hear from in years, were by my side. They were right there for me, as if no time had past between us. I shared my point of view about the events that transpired, and even though I didn't want a line to be drawn, or sides to be taken, it's happened.

My co-workers, well you have been helping me through it all since the very beginning, and I thank you for it. To my team-mates, thanks a bunch for understanding my retirement, and the time that I needed to deal and cope with this all. To my newer/recent friends, thanks for lending an ear (or eye). For those that sought both POVs and are still talking to me I appreciate it. To those that never talked to me, and asked me what was happening, well, I don't need you.

So those reading this, remember that you have two types of friends out there; the right now friends and the forever friends. Unfortunately, you can never really now who is which until something happens in life, and you really need them. It is only then that you will find out.

Six Stages of Relationships

Several people have been posting this on FB as of late, and first, it was very well done. Both actors in it are great. For me, the end of the line is coming. in 6 months (minus one day) I will no long be married.

It's been a rough 3 months, and I'll be honest, I'm sad to see it end. But I must move on. I'll still post here, and I'll love to continue to get the limited feedback that I've got from those that know me (their to shy to post it up for the world to see I guess).

Time to go...

Word of the Day: Divorce

There are times in our lives when we experience something that changes our lives as we know it. A death in the family, a marriage, divorce. Three years ago, I experienced two of these life changing events. A death and a marriage. As my wife and I were planning for our wedding, my father (well, my step-father really, but he's been more of a father than my sperm donor) was very ill. A wedding is suppose to be one of the happiest moments in two peoples lives, but it was really hard to be happy when your father is literally dying. Now 3 years later, I'm getting a divorce.

Yes people, after 13 years of being with each other, my wife has decided that we can't be together anymore. I could sit here and explain how I wasn't caring enough, or I didn't talk enough, or treat her well, and got into arguments. I could talk about how I felt that this completely blindsided me, and how I never saw it coming. But I really wouldn't matter. I could blame her...talk about how I felt neglected by her. How she would rather have a deep conversations and hang out with the neighbor. I could talk about how she slept with the neighbor and hid it from me. How she created an elaborate scheme to get me to find out. But none of it matters. It's over.

Am I hurt...yes. Do I care, I'd be lying if I said it didn't. What honestly, what can I do? Nothing. I've talked, I've cried, I've done everything, and now it's over.

She's already found someone new. She's moved on. She's in love with someone else. Don't get me wrong, I still love her, but I have to let her go. I'm done with this. I can't keep hoping for something to happen, when I know nothing will come of it. I just hope that she can live with herself knowing what she's done to me. I hope he can live with himself knowing what he's done to me.

You can't say that I didn't make an effort. You can't say that I didn't try to work things out. But I can't do it by myself. So I hope you two can avoid the problems that you both had with your spouses, her with me, and him with ex.

Learn and make a better life for yourselves, but remember, Karma is a Bitch, and she will get hers.

A journey begins but with a single step.

Went to workout in the morning...came hope prep'd for dinner tomorrow, and then set about working on a presentation for a workshop I was doing. Finished that and then went to do some Judo with friends that I hadn't practiced in a very long time. It felt good to get back into it and teach again. Got to see people that haven't worked with each other in years. It was good. I'm going to start going on a regular basis.

After went and did the workshop. Had some technical difficulty with the power point presentation (didn't work) so I had to wing it. In the end, it worked out ok. So it wasn't a total loss.

As for my relationship, well its over. Divorce is really the only option that is left. I'm realizing that I can work on it as much as I want, but I can't do it by myself. I think I've grown so much as a person. I'm dealing with my problems, and to a point I've come to terms with my issues/problems. I know (for the most part) where I failed in this relationship, and I've been working on my shortfalls.

I still hurt, and the pain is still there, but I think I'm ready to move on. I mean, my friends, well they've attempted to communicate with both of us. Listened to both sides and held judgement until both sides were known. Only then do/did they offer advice or an ear to listen to the venting.

So now, I'm working on forgiving. I know its going too be a hard and long road ahead.

As the days turned into weeks, and weeks into months, I've come to terms with my lot.

Communication is the key

After over a decade of being together, its over. The life as I know it is gone. My world is turned upside-down. Even though I don't want to believe that its true, a line has been drawn in the sand. People will and have taken sides, and I'm afraid its going to get ugly.

For me, I feel like the big loser in all of this. I know that over time I'll heal, grow stronger, and even be a better person, but right now I still feel hurt. I mean I'm going to be losing a set of parents and a close extended family that I feel extemely close to. Definately closer than my own extended family. I'm losing my house, furniture, and other materialistic items, things that we worked hard to acquire. I'll be losing friends, well people I that I thought were my friends.

I don't know who came up with the saying, "the truth will set you free," because its just a big load of excriment. The truth. What a piece of bull___t that women tell you because they expect you to never tell them anything. I've been open, I've been honest, I've gotten rid of my secrets, but when I did all that, well, it just pushed her away more.

Maybe I'm just crazy. Maybe I'm just not looking at this the right way. What I can say though, commmunication is key. Doesn't matter if you say something that you don't think she (or he) doesn't want to hear. It doesn't matter if they're going to get mad, angery, or frustrated. Don't keep it in, don't bottle it up, don't avoid it. If you keep on doing that, well one day its all going to hit the fan, and then the mess will be too big. Talk to you significant other. Communicate your feeling and thoughts. Don't let what happen to me happen to you. Use me as a learning experience, so you don't have go through this pain.

Heed my words, and good luck.

Sunblock

Outside all day in the sun and forgetting to put on sun block makes me ever red. So, being a physical educator, I get the wonderful opportunity of being outside most of my workday. Now on most days I love it, however today was very sunny, and I forgot to put on my sunblock.

Now even with sunblock, I still have very wicked tan lines on my ankles, upper arms, thighs, and my neck. When I'm fully dressed, I look fine, but take of socks or a shirt, and I look very interesting. Over the years I've search high and low for an effective sun block, well one that won't break the bank to use in massive amounts. Alas, my search continues.

So if you know of a good one, let me know, my skin and I thank you.

Choosing side.

If you would have asked me a year ago about going to a therapist, I would have said I don't have any problems. By the way, anyone ever notice that if you broke up therapist is would say TheRapist? Ok back on topic, so therapists are like professional listeners. Well at least that how I see it. They are an impartial third party that doesn't have a vested interest in your concerns one way or another.

Ever since this whole thing started, my therapist has been there to listen to me. To give me advice on how to deal and cope with my situation. There were times I wish I could be told that everything was going to work out the way I wanted them to, but my therapist kept my eyes on the prize. Ultimately, the prize was for me to be able to move past this whole ordeal. Whether we got back together or went our separate ways, surviving was the goal.

So, what now? Well, how about an update.

As most of you know, I've come to realize that what happen between us isn't just her fault or my fault. We both share in the blame equally. Yes, many of us, myself included, saw what happen bewteen us as mostly if not all her fault, but that's not the case. I've come to realize that we've had problems for a very long while now...this situtation was just the physical manifestation of it. That said, I've moved on and have forgiven her. Some of you might think I'm crazy here, but I'd also like to be able to forgive him one day. I'm not there yet, but some time down the line I hope I can find it within me to be able to do that. Holding this anger can't help me in the long term.

Those that no us both, please, please don't take sides. We both feel bad enough without having more guilt from our friends. Speaking for myself, I'd like to remain friends with you all, but I understand if you feel the need to choose. I won't take it personally. I know that I'm not the most approachable guy in the world, and many of you have even called me an A-hole. But don't worry...I forgive you.

I need to move on...got people to do and things to see.

Karma's a Bitch

It's funny how things in life happen. I've always been a believer in the idea of karma. The belief that the things that you do in your life effect the things that happen to you. Some use the old adage of "what goes around, comes around" or something like that.

Recently I learned that the man that was the third in this whole triangle of conflict was injured pretty seriously. So much so that surgery was necessary to take care of many of the issues. Now I don't like this person, however, I don't wish him any ill will. If I did, there was much that I could have done long ago. By the same token, I don't have much sympathy for him either.

I've been informed that he really has no one, family or otherwise that is helping him through this. I maybe I should feel something, but really, I don't. The only person I know that is showing any concern is, well actually was might be a better term, my other half. Spending the night with him looking after him for three nights now.

Oh well, moving on.

Letting go, and moving on

So its been awhile since I've posted something, much due to me dealing with life, and everything that's been happening. So let me give you a recap of what's been going on...

For those that don't know, or just joining in the conversation, my wife and I are going through a separation. This is something that has been happening since January. Things happened, things were said, emotions were hurt, but all of that has now led to this.

Over the past several months I've gone through many stages, denial, anger, frustration, confusion, depression. Heck, at one point I was even contemplating suicide (only briefly no more thinking that, I like life too much). Anyways, part of me deep down kept blaming everything on the one thing or another, and then I blamed myself. Fact is, everything that happened, well it wasn't a result of one thing or another, it was a full combination of things that have been happening for years. Underlying problems that were never addressed, and was swept under the rug. Out of sight out of mind right? No, it doesn't work that way. Sweeping issues under the rug might seem to work for awhile, but let's be honest, eventually you'll have to clean under the rug, or its going to start feeling bumpy. At first, only you'll notice, but as more things get swept under, others will being noticing, and by the time you want to address it, well the mess might be to big.

So my advice, address the issue before it gets too big. Something bothering you, let the person know. Yes you might make it uncomfortable for you and them, but in the long run, I'll be for the better. If anything this experience has taught me that things are always as they seem. Ignoring the issue or problem doesn't make it go away, it only prolongs the inevitable. Deal with issues in the present. Problems won't go away on there own. You need to work at it.

As for love, yes, I still love her, and I'm sad, but I have to let her go. I need to let her move on, and I need to move on as well. Its too late for us at this point; we waited too long and the pain is still too fresh. But who knows what the future has in store, it is the beginning of a new chapter in my life. A chapter that we need will have to write alone. Its going to be difficult, I won't fake it. For me, well, I've never really been alone.

Hell, I'm terrified of venturing out into the world by myself, with no one there beside me. Sure, I have friends and family that love me, but at some point, I will have to deal with being alone. It's time, enough time has pasted that the pain is bearable. Like the old proverb (I think Chinese) said, "A Journey of a Thousand Miles begins with but a single step." Well, I'm taking that step.

To all those that have helped me through this trying time in my life, thank you. To those that have kept me going, thank you. For those that just listened to me talk for hours on end, or even in passing, thank you. Thank you for being there for me.

The things I miss the most.

I miss being able to share my day. I miss the little things; like smelling her hair to see if it needs to be washed. Just sitting next to each other not saying anything. Holding hands. I'm a very physical guy, and I need to be touched (not in some creepy perverted way). I'm a physical creature. As such, I crave physical contact.

Midnight rant

This really sucks. I'm so emo right now. I'm lost and confused, what am I to do? The love of my life doesn't want to be with me. I know that I need to let her go, but damn this hurts. Yes, I forgave her. I'm over that whole fact. I miss her. I still can't sleep at night. I get up early, our stay up late. I don't know how to deal with this.

It's never too late, right?

Yesterday, I told you all about my wonderful little book. Well over the course of the week, I read the whole damn thing, and decided that even though my "Pineapple" (some breast cancer awareness business in which you post a fruit, each fruit has a meaning and her's means "It's Complicated") wife says she just wants to be friends and isn't in-love with me anymore, well that's not going to stop me from showing her I still love her.

Yesterday was nice, we spent the entire day with each other. We worked out in the morning, went and got blood withdrawn for my physical, went to eat, I doctor for me (time for new contacts), got a mani/pedi with her (yes, I'm secure). Then we went home, and I made a delicious dinner of salmon with a side of Mash Potatoes with a tomato, orange, cilantro, green olive salad.

I've been trying to show her how much I still love her in her love language (gotta read the book, 5 Love Languages). I'm going to continue to do so. I know that we haven't been showing each love for a very long time. I want her to know how much I do love her. I want to show her how I can love her, and that I can show it to her, the way she needs to be shown.

Over the course of the next 6 months, this will be my goal. Not to reconcile, though that would be great. No, my goal is to show her in a way that she knows, that I truly do love her. And (I know, you can't start a sentence with and, sue me!) if we reconcile great...if not, at least I know that I've shown her that I love her, and I will know how to love someone that speaks this particular love language.

A new day...

So I've been reading this book that a co-worker suggested to me, it's called, "The 5 Love Languages" and out is an amazing book. To be honest I wish I would have discovered this book when all this happened. I'm afraid that this book has just come a little to late for me.

In the book the author, Gary Chapman writes about how over his many years in marriage counseling he discovered something amazing that explains why many marriages fail.

Like the title states there are 5 ways that we as people express our love to our loves ones. Think of these expressions as a language. We all know how to communicate with someone that speaks the same language as we do, but what if the person speaks something that we don't understand? Or what if they don't understand us?

This is where the book comes in. In it Chapman discusses how we tend to express love in the same easy as we would like it expressed to us. However, most of the time we the way we express love isn't the way that our loved ones are use to seeing, feeling, our noticing our love.

I'm not sure if any of these lessons are going to help me in my relationship, but I do know that ij save gained priceless knowledge from reading it.

Lost and alone, and mad as hell about it!

Not sure why. Everything was going great. The weekend  progressing fine. Then last night, I was overcome with a sense of anger, and got mad. Not sure at what or why. I just wanted to get up and beat the crap out of something...anything.

I wrote this long as email last night. Not really addressed to anyone, but I was able to get my thoughts out. I know I'm still angry about a lot of stuff. HIM, HER, the infidelity, how everything is hidden from everyone, how I play this game were I pretend everything is alright. I angry that SHE's been stringing me along all these years, leading me to believe that we had a chance. I'm angry that SHE still talks to HIM. I angry that they can act like nothing has happened. I'm angry that I'm angry.

I have all kinds of feelings running through me right now, and I don't know how to deal with it. I thought I was getting better. But I think I was just kidding myself. Lying to myself about my feelings. I fell so lost and alone. Frustrated with how I feel. Why can't I get over this? Why am I such a loser right now.

My marriage fell apart, I could even tell that SHE wasn't happy, my job sucks, and I can't find a new one. Money, well that's always going to be an issue. Can't refi the house, and got tons of debt.

I've only been in two relationships, and this was the most serious one. I've never really dated anyone but her and I'm worried about not knowing how to even date. It took me 4 years to get over my first relationship, and that one wasn't anywhere near as long, nor had the emotional investment that this one has. I feel doomed.

I've been told I'm still young, and I'm attractive, but how does that help me if I'm not confident enough to notice or act on it. Damn this is a long entry, thanks for reading.

Still in denial, working to find me

All the little things that she still does for me, like gives me hugs, says "I love you," or holds my hand and other signs of affection, its been making it hard for me. On one hand, I'm glad she's doing it because I miss her so much, but on the other, it gives me a sense of hope. This sense of hope is then crushed every night when we go to our separate rooms to go to sleep.

We went to our third therapy session the other night, and I had thought I made some progress, but it turned out that it was in the wrong direction. I had gotten her to agree to putting this on hold in terms of us, so we can work on ourselves individually, then see if we can attend to us after. The therapist, however, said that that would be backwards. We need to commit to the marriage first, and work on that then ourselves.

Needless to say, she said, "she doesn't see it." It being us together any more. I have to say, I have major issues that I need to work though. I get that. To me though, its hard. Its hard knowing that I'm working so hard to make amends. So hard to be a new man. So hard to communicate in a way that I haven't ever in my lifem and now I have to stop. My bestests (not sure if that's even a word) friend in my entire life, and I can talk to her anymore.

I know that if we don't reconcile our marriage, we will have to cease being friends all together. There's no way that one future relationship that either of us have will be confortable with the level of communication we'd have. Or the level of intimacy that we've shared. What man or woman would be able to fully trust one of us being alone with each other. Hell I wouldn't. I'd constantly be thinking if they were hooking up. Its just too hard to forget that level of emotion that two people once had for each other.

So, I'm seeking professional help (no not a hooker or escort) from the therapist. I'm going to be there by myself now. She'll still come in every now and then, just to see how we're doing as a couple. I have to learn to transition now. This is going to be another stage in my life. One were I'm going to be growing as a man and person. Its going to be long and bumppy, but in the end hopefully, it'll be for the better. I just hope that I can get through this.

Until my next entry, I'm just gonna take it day by day.

What does this mean?

Confused. That's what I am right now. Some of you might be wondering why. Check out the picture, and tell me. What does this mean?

Honestly, everyday is a roller coaster ride for my emotions. I come home and she tells me there's no hidden meaning to this. WTF.

I'm feeling kind of down today. Not a 100% why, but this is a couples day, and I feel alone.

Must all good things come to an end?

The plan was to go with a friend and his family to disney, along with my separated wife. If you didn't caught the last post, let me recap with a really short version. She invited HIM to Disney with us last night. I was very uneasy with that. I told her that last night, but we both were so tired, it didn't register with her. It did this morning however when the told her the same thing. Then she realized what she did.

Ok, back on topic. My friend calls us after 2 to let us know that he won't be able to come, so it turns out that its just going to be the two of us. It was very nice, and I had a good time. We watch a show, rode a couple of rides and had an All-You-Can-Eat BBQ for dinner. We got to talk, and to be honest, just have a pleasant time in each others company.

As the night came to an end though, I started getting sad. I was remembering all the great times we had there, running around trying to get on as many rides as possible, to the days after we got annual passes and just took it to a more leisurely pace when we visit. This trip just brought back all these memories. It was kind of painful.

Today could be classified as a good day for me, but alas, all good things come to an end, and the end is now here. We're back at home now, and we have to spend our nights apart. Getting back to our separatings lives.

So what happened?

Alright, so I went to this thing. Now I have to say that the friend that invited me over for dinner, well she doesn't know about what happen between HIM and I. She only knows that some how he plays a role in why we're separated. She thinks that it's because they were getting too close, little does she know.

So, as I said in the previous post, she was keeping both of us HIM and I both apprised to the situation, what we each were deciding in terms of going or not. She contacted him to let him know that I was coming over as well, and she told me he was feeling uneasy also. Heck all three of us were. I honestly didn't know how I was going to react. I love my wife, truly. I don't see a life without her. But maybe were just meant to be really good friends, maybe we aren't suppose to be lovers in the biblical sense. I don't know. But I digress, back to the topic.

When we get to her house, I saw his car parked out front. My chest gets just a bit tighter, but my heart rate didn't go up. Trust me I stopped to checked. We got to the front door, and I saw him through the window sitting with his kids. Yes he was married and has two kids, but the kids are great...spoiled but great none the less. I even miss them a bit, except for the nagging part.

So in I go. I greet everyone there (well almost everyone) and I'm glad HIS kids are there...I know I wouldn't do anything in front of those kids. I told my wife I'd be very close to her this evening, and I might even need to lean on her for some support. It was awkward the entire night. I spent most of the night avoiding looking at him, talking to him, just about anything to do with him. He asked me about my leg, and I answered, politely. No one at the house knows the events that had transpired all those weeks ago.

Now some of you in cyberspace might be asking yourself, why in his right mind would he do this? He's insane! The only answer I have for you all is a simple one. I love her. He's her friend, and well, I don't want to make her choose. She says he's been helpful through her struggles, and as much as I despise him, I can't argue that.

On the drive home, I told her that I was uncomfortable the whole time there. I'm not sure if I felt more like a predator waiting to pounce or if I was prey, ready to run. I do know that I wasn't calm again until we left, and I was driving home. I told her that I was a bit frustrated. She asked why, and I told her.

We planned an outing today with a friend and possibly his family (no not the same guy), and she took the liberty of inviting him and his kids! That made me very uneasy, and I told her so. I know I took a huge step in just being in the same house as him (its a huge house), but I really didn't want to push my comfort level, and anxiety levels. She apologized. I told her that it was a test for me. I don't want to make her choose between me and him, not right now.

One day at a time.

A good day.

So the night before last wasn't so good. She and I argued, something that I've been wanting her to do. Tell me, yell at me, just express yourself to the fullest. Tell me what's bothering you! Well you now that old adage, "Becareful what you wish for." Well they weren't kinding when they came up with that.

I finally saw a side of her that I though I wanted to see. A side that I though would help her express and me to understand. However, that's not what I saw. I saw pain, torment, and struggle. The pain of her yelling at someone she loves, the torment of being someone that she isn't, and struggling with inner demons.

Once I saw this, that moment, I decided that I never ever want to see that on her face again. Never do I want to be the root or cause of such suffering again. After all, I still love her, very deeply.

So we hung out yesterday, had breakfast, caught up with some TV. Went to vist a friend in Santa Monica, which lead to me being invited to dinner at the friends house.

We were heading out back home to get something that was forgotten...on the long traffic filled Saturday night drive home, she gets a call. It our friend, she just found out the HE is going to be there, her mother invited him. So she turns and tells me. Asks if I'm ok. Well the rest of the drive home I kept debating whether or not to go...I wasn't sure if I was ready to see him face to face. HE's informed that I've been invited also...and HE's not sure if he wants to go now.

So go or stay? I went. Now I know some of you think I'm crazy, and I think I might be too...check back to see what happened.

One day at a time.

I think I'm in the denial stage. Been reading this book, Surviving Infidelity, and that's what symptoms I see. She's further along in her recovery, but I'm just starting out. I have the need to try to work thing out, but she's moved on. She has told me that at this point in time, that isn't going to happen. Maybe down the line way in the future, but right now...right now it's no.

Such a small word no. Two letters, yet so huge in meaning. It's been awhile since this all happened, and I could tell the story again from my point of view, but hell, what for? I'm just going to hurt myself again. I need to move on...I know that. We have to live our separate lives.

I need to make new friends. Friends that I don't have to explain why this happened. I need to keep busy, but to be honest, I don't know how. After so much time, and our lives so interwoven with each other, how do I do that?

I'm afraid of being alone. I'm afraid that I'm loosing someone so close to me. My Best Friend. She's still the only one I can really talk to.

We're going to continue to go to therapy. We both can benefit from understanding how this all happened. Like she said, we need to get through this so we can learn from it, so we don't do this in our next relationship.

I know I can make. I have to. There's no other choice.

So, one day at a time...that's how I'm going to have to take it.

My Issues Again

So, by know some of you might have figured it out, while others (who ever you are) might not have a clue, but ultimately, my partner of 13 years has called it quits. Wants to leave our past behind us and move on with our lives, separately. Why some might ask, well that's a long story.

I'll give you all the abbreviated version. I come to find out that my partner is cheating on me via snooping around in an email account. I find a message discussing a mid-day rendezvous that occurred while I was at work. I confront my partner later that evening, and there was no denying it.

I of course get pissed, one for it actually happening, and to it was with a neighbor! One that purportedly was my "friend." I then learn that it had happened a total of 3 times! and only the most recent one was the documented one. Now after being with each other for 13 years, I decided that to throw it all away was a waste. Things could be worked out, so we made an appointment to seek help from a professional.

We attend our first session, and I feel it went great. The following day however, I get a second confession from my partner...everything, the elaborate story of infidelity was mostly, 99.9%, made up. There was only one instance of cheating, and it was a ops, we shouldn't do this moment, according to my former partner.

I forgive again. I really want us to work out. I even understood why it was done. To me everything was going great, I didn't even know that there was a problem, so this was a shocker to get me to agree to seek help. It worked, so I stayed.

So here's where things get tricky. After that session, we are going good, when I get this sense of distrust about me. I felt that my partner was still communicating with the person who was involved in the cheating. So I did something that I said I wasn't going to do, I attempted to check the email account again. The moment I tried to do it...I regretted. I wanted to be honest and open with my communication with my partner, so I confessed what I'd done.

This, as it turns out, was the straw that broke the camels back. My partner felt betrayed. Felt that this was unacceptable. The trust that I should have had for my partner wasn't there, so it was at that moment that it was decided that it was over between us. This was a decision by me, but my partner.

I feel horrible. I messed up. The initial cheat was because I wasn't communicating, I wasn't listening. I'd snap and yell when I didn't want to discuss a particular topic. So the cheating story was to get me to go to seek help. This time it was a lack of trust on my part.

Then I came to a conclusion. I tend to internalize everything...I'm not very vocal about my thoughts, that's just who I am, but my partner, well total opposite...needs to vocalize, needs to talk things out, need to communicate. The problem then became that my partner stopped doing that. I didn't know we had problems, I wasn't told. We as a people aren't mind readers right? We need to be told when there's an issue. We need information to guide us. So I came to the conclusion that it was my partner's fault. My partner acted out of character by not doing what they needed to do. Talk, verbalize, communicate, none of those thing happened.

So we make it to our next session, and well, the therapist was in for a shocker. We had decided to separate. We'd still remain in the same home, but sleep in separate rooms. We'd still do things together, but we wouldn't sleep with each other (not a thing that I like). We'll remain friends to help each other through this, as we still love each other, well my partner says, "not in that way".

The therapists says I have mommy issues (who doesn't), and that I need to learn how to be affectionate, and how to love and be loved. Growing up, I had issues with mommy dearest. Being the oldest, and of a single parent, didn't get that nurturing love that we're suppose to get. I got yelled at for showing emotion, "suck it up, boys don't cry" and other things that have damaged me.

So, the relationship breakdown...my fault once again.

Its too late.

As kids were taught to always tell the truth. The truth will set you free. If you tell the truth, you'll feel better. All i have to say is BULLSHIT!

So I made a mistake, and I felt bad for doing it, so I tell myself, you need to come clean. Tell the truth, and everything will work out. So let me give a little back story here.

I find out that a particular person has been lying to me about a something...I figure that its not only there fault, but partially mine as well. So we attempt to work it out. Things seem to be going good, then i get this weird feeling...so I follow my gut. Turns out my gut is wrong.

So fast forward back to the present, I go to admit to my wrong doing. Clearly I'm trying to atone for my mistake by telling the truth, by being open and honest, something that they wanted. But alas, it wasn't what they wanted. I should have kept this tidbit to myself.

Moral of the story. Telling the truth just brings a whole host of problems.

"Should I Stay, or Should I Go?"

There comes a point in a persons life when things just aren't working out. Your Boss doesn't treat you right. Expectations are unrealistic, or things said are just stories and nothing more. Or maybe family issues aren't working out so well. Parents mad at they're children, children mad at there parents. That's the way family is right? For those lucky few of us, we have significant others. Call them what you like: sposes, domestic partners, girlfriends, boyfriends, whatever the label, they are peoplepc we care about and they also care about us, right?

I've said it once and I'll say it again...there's only one kind of person worst than a liar in my book, and that's a rapist.

Now. I understand how you might omit details and maybe even change a story a little bit, but a bold face lie to ones face...without even batting an eye...now that's bad.

I recently had a suspicion that something wasn't right. You just get that gut feeling you know. So I decided to make my feelings about the situation know. Now as anyone knows voicing your thoughts can sometimes have bad consequences. Often times a fear of retaliation make us hesitate. However in this situation I just needed to say something. I needed to make my concerns heard but the proper people.

So I did...I went and voiced my concerns. I was told that the situation was to be handled and that my concerns were heard and have been logged. At this point I honestly felt better.

Heck, a wait was lifted of my chest. I could sleep again. Alas, it was a short reprieve. The situation changed...I felt like I was being shut out...but I wasn't. I grew suspicious so I started digging.

Maybe that's where I messed up. I should have left it alone...but I couldn't. So I discover that my intuition was right from the beginning. That I was lied to with a bold face.

So now here's the question. Should I stay or should I go?

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