Still in denial, working to find me

All the little things that she still does for me, like gives me hugs, says "I love you," or holds my hand and other signs of affection, its been making it hard for me. On one hand, I'm glad she's doing it because I miss her so much, but on the other, it gives me a sense of hope. This sense of hope is then crushed every night when we go to our separate rooms to go to sleep.

We went to our third therapy session the other night, and I had thought I made some progress, but it turned out that it was in the wrong direction. I had gotten her to agree to putting this on hold in terms of us, so we can work on ourselves individually, then see if we can attend to us after. The therapist, however, said that that would be backwards. We need to commit to the marriage first, and work on that then ourselves.

Needless to say, she said, "she doesn't see it." It being us together any more. I have to say, I have major issues that I need to work though. I get that. To me though, its hard. Its hard knowing that I'm working so hard to make amends. So hard to be a new man. So hard to communicate in a way that I haven't ever in my lifem and now I have to stop. My bestests (not sure if that's even a word) friend in my entire life, and I can talk to her anymore.

I know that if we don't reconcile our marriage, we will have to cease being friends all together. There's no way that one future relationship that either of us have will be confortable with the level of communication we'd have. Or the level of intimacy that we've shared. What man or woman would be able to fully trust one of us being alone with each other. Hell I wouldn't. I'd constantly be thinking if they were hooking up. Its just too hard to forget that level of emotion that two people once had for each other.

So, I'm seeking professional help (no not a hooker or escort) from the therapist. I'm going to be there by myself now. She'll still come in every now and then, just to see how we're doing as a couple. I have to learn to transition now. This is going to be another stage in my life. One were I'm going to be growing as a man and person. Its going to be long and bumppy, but in the end hopefully, it'll be for the better. I just hope that I can get through this.

Until my next entry, I'm just gonna take it day by day.