My Issues Again

So, by know some of you might have figured it out, while others (who ever you are) might not have a clue, but ultimately, my partner of 13 years has called it quits. Wants to leave our past behind us and move on with our lives, separately. Why some might ask, well that's a long story.

I'll give you all the abbreviated version. I come to find out that my partner is cheating on me via snooping around in an email account. I find a message discussing a mid-day rendezvous that occurred while I was at work. I confront my partner later that evening, and there was no denying it.

I of course get pissed, one for it actually happening, and to it was with a neighbor! One that purportedly was my "friend." I then learn that it had happened a total of 3 times! and only the most recent one was the documented one. Now after being with each other for 13 years, I decided that to throw it all away was a waste. Things could be worked out, so we made an appointment to seek help from a professional.

We attend our first session, and I feel it went great. The following day however, I get a second confession from my partner...everything, the elaborate story of infidelity was mostly, 99.9%, made up. There was only one instance of cheating, and it was a ops, we shouldn't do this moment, according to my former partner.

I forgive again. I really want us to work out. I even understood why it was done. To me everything was going great, I didn't even know that there was a problem, so this was a shocker to get me to agree to seek help. It worked, so I stayed.

So here's where things get tricky. After that session, we are going good, when I get this sense of distrust about me. I felt that my partner was still communicating with the person who was involved in the cheating. So I did something that I said I wasn't going to do, I attempted to check the email account again. The moment I tried to do it...I regretted. I wanted to be honest and open with my communication with my partner, so I confessed what I'd done.

This, as it turns out, was the straw that broke the camels back. My partner felt betrayed. Felt that this was unacceptable. The trust that I should have had for my partner wasn't there, so it was at that moment that it was decided that it was over between us. This was a decision by me, but my partner.

I feel horrible. I messed up. The initial cheat was because I wasn't communicating, I wasn't listening. I'd snap and yell when I didn't want to discuss a particular topic. So the cheating story was to get me to go to seek help. This time it was a lack of trust on my part.

Then I came to a conclusion. I tend to internalize everything...I'm not very vocal about my thoughts, that's just who I am, but my partner, well total opposite...needs to vocalize, needs to talk things out, need to communicate. The problem then became that my partner stopped doing that. I didn't know we had problems, I wasn't told. We as a people aren't mind readers right? We need to be told when there's an issue. We need information to guide us. So I came to the conclusion that it was my partner's fault. My partner acted out of character by not doing what they needed to do. Talk, verbalize, communicate, none of those thing happened.

So we make it to our next session, and well, the therapist was in for a shocker. We had decided to separate. We'd still remain in the same home, but sleep in separate rooms. We'd still do things together, but we wouldn't sleep with each other (not a thing that I like). We'll remain friends to help each other through this, as we still love each other, well my partner says, "not in that way".

The therapists says I have mommy issues (who doesn't), and that I need to learn how to be affectionate, and how to love and be loved. Growing up, I had issues with mommy dearest. Being the oldest, and of a single parent, didn't get that nurturing love that we're suppose to get. I got yelled at for showing emotion, "suck it up, boys don't cry" and other things that have damaged me.

So, the relationship breakdown...my fault once again.