Not sure why. Everything was going great. The weekend progressing fine. Then last night, I was overcome with a sense of anger, and got mad. Not sure at what or why. I just wanted to get up and beat the crap out of something...anything.
I wrote this long as email last night. Not really addressed to anyone, but I was able to get my thoughts out. I know I'm still angry about a lot of stuff. HIM, HER, the infidelity, how everything is hidden from everyone, how I play this game were I pretend everything is alright. I angry that SHE's been stringing me along all these years, leading me to believe that we had a chance. I'm angry that SHE still talks to HIM. I angry that they can act like nothing has happened. I'm angry that I'm angry.
I have all kinds of feelings running through me right now, and I don't know how to deal with it. I thought I was getting better. But I think I was just kidding myself. Lying to myself about my feelings. I fell so lost and alone. Frustrated with how I feel. Why can't I get over this? Why am I such a loser right now.
My marriage fell apart, I could even tell that SHE wasn't happy, my job sucks, and I can't find a new one. Money, well that's always going to be an issue. Can't refi the house, and got tons of debt.
I've only been in two relationships, and this was the most serious one. I've never really dated anyone but her and I'm worried about not knowing how to even date. It took me 4 years to get over my first relationship, and that one wasn't anywhere near as long, nor had the emotional investment that this one has. I feel doomed.
I've been told I'm still young, and I'm attractive, but how does that help me if I'm not confident enough to notice or act on it. Damn this is a long entry, thanks for reading.
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