Since moving in to my newish place, I really haven't taken all the to truly make the place mine. Yeah, I have a few photos up, mostly of things from the past. I had many frames that contained old photos that I took with me, which needed to be filled with new memories.
Well, that has now been accomplished...well sort of. Several of my larger frames are now up, and I'm working on filling a couple more. A friend of mine is moving far way, to a place where she doesn't really know that many people. As I told them tonight, we all need to move on. Remember that every beginning has an end, and every end a new beginning. So remember and cherish the good times, and learn from the ones that weren't so enjoyable.
I, myself, am beginning a new chapter in my life. I look forward to all of its joys and challenges.
So it's my birthday, and I can cry if I want to! But no, I'm not crying. There isn't anything to cry about. I had the day off from work, so I don't have to deal with his incompetence. Though I have been called in for Jury Duty. I know, many of you think that its a waste of time, but hey I see it as doing my civic duty! Was released early, so I got tip run a few errands. Got the title changed on my car, car registration done, and even took some time for me to relax.
I was taken out to dinner by a new friend that night, discovering a new place that has great food, live music, dancing (not that I dance), and no cover (read my yelp review).
The day after was good, woke up after not getting enough sleep from the night before. Worked out, went to a send of party for a friend/ex-girlfriend. Then to my own dinner party with some friends I don't see as often. Best laugh of the evening was from the wife of the married couple.
We started taking about the old days when we all played D&D. Yes, I played don't judge. We were taking about dice rolling and how my friend the DM (dungeon master) would always roll poorly, giving us the players a great advantage. So he changed the way he did things to make it more challenged for us to succeed. Then another friend talked about how his 20-sided die that had two 20's on it would never roll a 20. Then I brought up how the ex-wife would always roll 20's, staying even I suspected her of cheating. This is were the comment came in. In true fashion, she simply states, "but she was cheating." Everyone begins to laugh loudly. People begin to look at us from different tables, but we didn't care. We ended the evening early so I can take a hike the following day.
This birthday is definitely turning out better than last. Thanks to all my friends new and old, for taking the time to spend out with me.
Wow...I haven't posted in so long, I'm not even sure where to start. It's been almost two months since my last post, and I'm not sure if that's a good sign or a bad one. I guess on one hand its good. I haven't had any developments that I've felt I've really had to write about. On the other hand, that could also mean that I just haven't been writing the things that have been bothering me. Which it is, I'm completely unsure.
Time truly heals many of the wounds that life causes. Time allows us to move on and go forward. Time, given enough of it, can even allow us to forgive, and maybe even forget. So, I've been working on just that, forgiving and trying to forget. I'm moving on, going forward with my life. I'm letting the sands of time work it's magic on me.
Changes are coming, I'm taking steps to reorganize my life for me. I'm working getting me in order. I'm focusing on the tasks that I have for myself. Work is moving forward. Life moving forward. Funny thing, I feel the ex is still trying to get at me. Dating, now there's an activity I'm not use to doing, but more on that next time. For now, I need to check to see if I have Jury Duty.
Two years in a row, I'm spending this corporate America holiday alone. One day a year, well, if you've been reading this blog then you know why. This year, well this year, I'm again alone. Yeah, I had a girlfriend, but I broke it off. Don't ask about the details, but were still friends.
One thing I about our relationship, we were good together. She helped me realize many things about myself. Thing that I really didn't share with others. This that in a sense pissed me off because she wouldn't let it go. She forced me to take a hard look into myself.
I'm still working on picking up the pieces that's my life. Yeah, I thought I was better. I thought things were turning around, but maybe I'm lying to myself. I need help, but to be honest, I'm afriad to ask. I don't like feeling that I don't have control. Maybe that's even why I broke up with her...it was something that I could control. I needed to feel in control even if it was breaking up.
I know that I can lean on my friends and family, but I'm too scared to ask. I feel helpless in all this. I'll be honest, I don't think I ever really got over my depression, only masked it. I really haven't gotten over my ex-wife...only surpressed it. I still think to myself if I did things differently, could it have changed things. Yes, I have friends and family tell me that everything that happened isn't my fault, but isn't that what they're suppose to do? I'm glad that I'm divorced...it's what she wanted. I'm glad she's happier without me in her life, but how do I get happy?
Yesterday was Valentines Day, one of the "most romantic" days of the year. Well that's if your in a relationship, but for us single people out there, well it can get kind of depressing. One of my best friends came over last night...we talked, watched a bit of White Collar, but it just wasn't the same. My ex-girlfriend and I had plans to have a dinner last night...needless to say we didn't. I was still thinking of her though. I know I need healing time, and it wasn't really fair for me to drag her into my issues...no matter how much she wanted me to or willing to. I'm sorry it took so long for me to get this all out in the open, but it's hard for me.
Thanks for taking some time to read. This time next year, well let's hope all will be better.
I've been dreaming again. It's kind of weird really. Normally I don't remember the dreams that I have, but I know that I've had a dream. However, when my life drastically changed, well I didn't remember dreaming very much. Now, I'm not sure if I was or wasn't dreaming, I just can't recall if I did or didn't. Dreams are interesting.
Some say dreams are our subconsciousness revealing things to us that we don't want to, or can't deal with consciously yet. Others take dreams as being literal, a cow in your dream is just a cow in your dream. Some think that dreams are windows into the future, that each thing that you dream of is an omen. I'm not sure which school of thought is correct, and honestly I'm not sure if I want to know. How about I just tell you about my dream, and you can decide what it's about.
The Dream So I slept the first night through without waking up somewhere in the middle of it. Which is a huge accomplishment. Not sure when I was dreaming about, but I'm going to guess is was futureish. I had my own place and my ex was in it. (BTW, giving the short version). I'm assuming it was close to signing or we just signed our papers, making everything official. I was in my place, and she came over. We talked. She was asking for something (memory of the dream is slipping away as I type this) and apparently didn't like my answer. She left, I woke up.
Hmm, come to think of it, that's now a very good explanation of a dream...hahaha. Well, I'll try an remember better next dream. I'm glad that I'm dreaming again. It means things are getting back to "normal" right? Oh well.
I was ten when my father left us; mother and 3 boys, 10, 8, and 5. He left us with nothing...no money, no car, nothing. Growing up, my mother did her best, but we still had no father. Sure he visited on the Sundays in the beginning, but that stopped almost as soon as it started. My mother had a boyfriend, and he tried to be a father...but I never saw him as one. However, there has been 4 men in my life that I would consider as my fathers, or father figures.
First was Sabumnim, my Taekwondo instructor. From the time I was 13 until I went into college he was there for me. He spent time with me, and taught me not only Taekwondo, but what it was to be a man. Camping trips, sleepovers, tournaments, or sometimes just hanging out at 7-11. He helped me through my impressionable youth and kept me on the right path. For that I thank you.
Next, after going to college I met another man that has had a great influence on me...Sensei, my judo instructor. This man took me under his wing, guided me through the part of my life that we call adulthood, but yet I was still seeking guidance. Through him I learn much of what I know now about survival, health, wellness, and now I strive to perfect my character. I hope that I can be like him when I get to be his age. Thank you for teaching and guiding me in my path of becoming a great teacher.
My Father-in-law (unfortunately soon to be ex). This man took me in when I had no where to go. He treated me as his own son. We would have meaningful conversations about anything under the sun, or just sit and play Columns on the the Sega Genesis. Always patience, and never violent. He treated his family with nothing but respect, and loved and cared for everyone. You have given me an image of marriage that I will aspire to achieve in my future relationships. I know that even though you are still here among us that we will not see or talk to each other much if ever again, and for that I am sad.
Finally, my step-father, who was more a father to me than my own biological father ever had been. This man took in a women that already had 3 boys (16, 14, and 11) and treated them as his own. Taught us, raised us, provided for us. He wasn't like most other dads, taking us to ball games, or throwing the ball out in the yard/park. But one thing he did do...he loved all of us. Not just his new wife, my mother, but all of us.
One of the hardest things in my life that I've had to deal with was his death. I literally watched as he died. During his time dealing with his illness, he was living with me and my fiance at the time (the soon to be ex)...it was difficult for me...seeing him have is bad days and good ones. Listening to this man struggle to walk up my stairs, or eat his food. I'll always have fond memories of him, and I miss him dearly. He was taken from us to early.
The hardest thing this year for me...well, I'm loosing another father. I have a feeling once everything is finalized (divorce) I'll never hear from my father-in-law again. The idea of this also saddens me, but there's nothing that can be done. So, on this Father's Day, Happy Father's Day to all you fathers out there.
So, I find out a few days ago that the soon-to-be-ex has finally gotten around to blocking me from her wall on FB, when this happened I wasn't sure, but I do know that it happened after I saw a picture of her and her new man (the one that she cheat on me with) on a picture that a mutual friend commented on.
After I saw this, I knew that she still has a thing for this guy, not that it matters, but it's something that she is finally willing to make semi-public knowledge. Now I don't want to say that I'm trying to be spiteful, but WTF! Our divorce isn't even final yet, but she wants to post up pictures of this creep? Well, doesn't matter, I've deleted her as a friend. (hat's not spiteful right?) While I was at it, I deleted a couple of her friends as well that have since blocked me from their info, people that never even asked me what was going on, or how I was, just a complete break from communicating with me, oh well.
Not sure how do deal with everything, but hey, we play the cards we're dealt, and we make the best of it. Found out where the creep's new job is...thinking of making a phone call, but whatever...I don't think I can be that mean/spiteful. Besides, I have other things to think about now.
The plan was to go with a friend and his family to disney, along with my separated wife. If you didn't caught the last post, let me recap with a really short version. She invited HIM to Disney with us last night. I was very uneasy with that. I told her that last night, but we both were so tired, it didn't register with her. It did this morning however when the told her the same thing. Then she realized what she did.
Ok, back on topic. My friend calls us after 2 to let us know that he won't be able to come, so it turns out that its just going to be the two of us. It was very nice, and I had a good time. We watch a show, rode a couple of rides and had an All-You-Can-Eat BBQ for dinner. We got to talk, and to be honest, just have a pleasant time in each others company.
As the night came to an end though, I started getting sad. I was remembering all the great times we had there, running around trying to get on as many rides as possible, to the days after we got annual passes and just took it to a more leisurely pace when we visit. This trip just brought back all these memories. It was kind of painful.
Today could be classified as a good day for me, but alas, all good things come to an end, and the end is now here. We're back at home now, and we have to spend our nights apart. Getting back to our separatings lives.
Since moving in to my newish place, I really haven't taken all the to truly make the place mine. Yeah, I have a few photos up, mostly of things from the past. I had many frames that contained old photos that I took with me, which needed to be filled with new memories.
Well, that has now been accomplished...well sort of. Several of my larger frames are now up, and I'm working on filling a couple more. A friend of mine is moving far way, to a place where she doesn't really know that many people. As I told them tonight, we all need to move on. Remember that every beginning has an end, and every end a new beginning. So remember and cherish the good times, and learn from the ones that weren't so enjoyable.
