"Just Friends"

I saw this posted the other day, and though about it. It's strange how much has happened to me in such a short amount of time. Marriage, dating, relationship, all changing in a year. Crying, loving, pain, heart ache, just so many raw emotions. And at the end of it all, what are we left with? Memories.

That's what we're left with. Yes, you can be "just friends," but you will have a connection with this person that will always be just a little bit more than friends. You will place them, ever so slightly, in front of others. But it's OK. It's OK to be "just friends" with someone you use to love. It's OK. It's special, you have a connection with this person that others may not understand. Heck, they might even be jealous of it, but don't let it get to you.

Finally putting them up

Since moving in to my newish place, I really haven't taken all the to truly make the place mine. Yeah, I have a few photos up, mostly of things from the past. I had many frames that contained old photos that I took with me, which needed to be filled with new memories.

Well, that has now been accomplished...well sort of. Several of my larger frames are now up, and I'm working on filling a couple more. A friend of mine is moving far way, to a place where she doesn't really know that many people. As I told them tonight, we all need to move on. Remember that every beginning has an end, and every end a new beginning. So remember and cherish the good times, and learn from the ones that weren't so enjoyable.

I, myself, am beginning a new chapter in my life. I look forward to all of its joys and challenges.

Birthday to me!

So it's my birthday, and I can cry if I want to! But no, I'm not crying. There isn't anything to cry about. I had the day off from work, so I don't have to deal with his incompetence. Though I have been called in for Jury Duty. I know, many of you think that its a waste of time, but hey I see it as doing my civic duty! Was released early, so I got tip run a few errands. Got the title changed on my car, car registration done, and even took some time for me to relax.

I was taken out to dinner by a new friend that night, discovering a new place that has great food, live music, dancing (not that I dance), and no cover (read my yelp review).

The day after was good, woke up after not getting enough sleep from the night before. Worked out, went to a send of party for a friend/ex-girlfriend. Then to my own dinner party with some friends I don't see as often. Best laugh of the evening was from the wife of the married couple.

We started taking about the old days when we all played D&D. Yes, I played don't judge. We were taking about dice rolling and how my friend the DM (dungeon master) would always roll poorly, giving us the players a great advantage. So he changed the way he did things to make it more challenged for us to succeed. Then another friend talked about how his 20-sided die that had two 20's on it would never roll a 20. Then I brought up how the ex-wife would always roll 20's, staying even I suspected her of cheating. This is were the comment came in. In true fashion, she simply states, "but she was cheating." Everyone begins to laugh loudly. People begin to look at us from different tables, but we didn't care. We ended the evening early so I can take a hike the following day.

This birthday is definitely turning out better than last. Thanks to all my friends new and old, for taking the time to spend out with me.

Love Hurts

"Everyone says that love hurts, but that's not true.
Loneliness hurts, rejection hurts, losing someone hurts.
Everyone confuses these things with love but in reality,
Love is the only thing."
~ Student

So it's been several weeks now, and I'll be honest, like the first time around this time last year, being alone sucks. One of my students wrote the quote above, and to be honest, it's kind of true. I know I did the breaking up in my last relationship, but I'll be damned if I don't feel alone again. Yes, I know I should talk to someone about it, but how do you bring this up in conversation? I'm the one that truly messed up in the head. But live and learn. I need to move on. I need to get back to me. I need to get out and meet people. But how does one do that? I know I need to move on, but missing what I had, is that wrong? Damn, I really am messed up. I'm not sure what it is. Do I miss her? Or do I not want to be alone? Can it be that I'm so vain that I just miss being intimate, and I'm craving physical contact? Well, whatever it is, I don't like it.

I'm a social creature that craves physical contact, and when I don't get it, I feel hurt. But I have a great group of friends that are always willing to be there for me and help me through everything. I'm truly grateful for them all. Always calling, or checking up on me. Just knowing that they care enough to do that can flip my mood right around. I'd like to thank you all from the bottom of my heart. With you all by my side, I can weather through just about anything.

Singles Awareness Day (Valentine's Day)

Two years in a row, I'm spending this corporate America holiday alone. One day a year, well, if you've been reading this blog then you know why. This year, well this year, I'm again alone. Yeah, I had a girlfriend, but I broke it off. Don't ask about the details, but were still friends.

One thing I about our relationship, we were good together. She helped me realize many things about myself. Thing that I really didn't share with others. This that in a sense pissed me off because she wouldn't let it go. She forced me to take a hard look into myself.

I'm still working on picking up the pieces that's my life. Yeah, I thought I was better. I thought things were turning around, but maybe I'm lying to myself. I need help, but to be honest, I'm afriad to ask. I don't like feeling that I don't have control. Maybe that's even why I broke up with her...it was something that I could control. I needed to feel in control even if it was breaking up.

I know that I can lean on my friends and family, but I'm too scared to ask. I feel helpless in all this. I'll be honest, I don't think I ever really got over my depression, only masked it. I really haven't gotten over my ex-wife...only surpressed it. I still think to myself if I did things differently, could it have changed things. Yes, I have friends and family tell me that everything that happened isn't my fault, but isn't that what they're suppose to do? I'm glad that I'm divorced...it's what she wanted. I'm glad she's happier without me in her life, but how do I get happy?

Yesterday was Valentines Day, one of the "most romantic" days of the year. Well that's if your in a relationship, but for us single people out there, well it can get kind of depressing. One of my best friends came over last night...we talked, watched a bit of White Collar, but it just wasn't the same. My ex-girlfriend and I had plans to have a dinner last night...needless to say we didn't. I was still thinking of her though. I know I need healing time, and it wasn't really fair for me to drag her into my issues...no matter how much she wanted me to or willing to. I'm sorry it took so long for me to get this all out in the open, but it's hard for me.

Thanks for taking some time to read. This time next year, well let's hope all will be better.

One month

So, I've been moved out for a month now, and holy cow, I have a lot of stuff. It amazes me how much stuff I have. Books, DVDs, camping gear, and pictures (along with frames). I have boxes that still haven't been put away because I need to figure out what to do with them all. I think I'm going to have to just donate much of the stuff. My Internet still hasn't been turned on...damn power outages and high winds.

Slowly, the place is coming together. Once everything is put together, I might have a house warming. For those that did help, thank you. Without your help, I wouldn't have been able to move so quickly.

"How are things going?"

I've been getting this question quite frequently lately. "So, how are things going?" And lately, my answer has been "Great." However, I've been thinking...am I really doing great? Have the past six months really led me to feeling great? Have I really moved on from all the pain, anger, confussion and a whole host of other emotions?

That's the question that I've been asking myself as of late. Has my trust and faith in someone be ripped away from me? Being lied to my face, then and now, "friends" betraying my trust. Can I and have I really gotten over it? That's the question I keep asking myself.

I've been thinking about this over the past few weeks, and the answer is yes. Yes, I'm over it. This is not to say that I don't think or talk to her anymore, but it's minimal. Mostly, taking care of various things, nothing more. Well at least not for me. I spend time working out, hanging out with friends. Meeting new people and having meaningful intellectual conversations with them. In all honesty, I feel great.

I'm happy. I feel, in a way, free. OK, how about more free? Regardless, I changing who I am. I feel better about who I'm becoming. I'm not suppressing myself anymore. I'm getting back to my "roots." Could this be denial? Maybe, ask me in another few months, but right now...I'm feeling and doing great.

Choosing side.

If you would have asked me a year ago about going to a therapist, I would have said I don't have any problems. By the way, anyone ever notice that if you broke up therapist is would say TheRapist? Ok back on topic, so therapists are like professional listeners. Well at least that how I see it. They are an impartial third party that doesn't have a vested interest in your concerns one way or another.

Ever since this whole thing started, my therapist has been there to listen to me. To give me advice on how to deal and cope with my situation. There were times I wish I could be told that everything was going to work out the way I wanted them to, but my therapist kept my eyes on the prize. Ultimately, the prize was for me to be able to move past this whole ordeal. Whether we got back together or went our separate ways, surviving was the goal.

So, what now? Well, how about an update.

As most of you know, I've come to realize that what happen between us isn't just her fault or my fault. We both share in the blame equally. Yes, many of us, myself included, saw what happen bewteen us as mostly if not all her fault, but that's not the case. I've come to realize that we've had problems for a very long while now...this situtation was just the physical manifestation of it. That said, I've moved on and have forgiven her. Some of you might think I'm crazy here, but I'd also like to be able to forgive him one day. I'm not there yet, but some time down the line I hope I can find it within me to be able to do that. Holding this anger can't help me in the long term.

Those that no us both, please, please don't take sides. We both feel bad enough without having more guilt from our friends. Speaking for myself, I'd like to remain friends with you all, but I understand if you feel the need to choose. I won't take it personally. I know that I'm not the most approachable guy in the world, and many of you have even called me an A-hole. But don't worry...I forgive you.

I need to move on...got people to do and things to see.