When the Past Comes Back

Started with a phone call, which I let go to voicemail. Then a text, followed by an email, and another phone call. Then my brother gets a text to tell me about what I just got a phone call, voicemail, text, and email about. It's been several months since I've heard high or low from her, since I've even thought of her. Then out of the blue, BAM! Broadsided. I never saw it coming.

When I've already been contacted by our agent, why does she need to contact me via so many channels? Anyways, this question is moot. I've been in contact with my agent, that's all I need to do. Moving on has been the best thing for me, I doubt intend on going back to the way I was year ago.

Singles Awareness Day (Valentine's Day)

Two years in a row, I'm spending this corporate America holiday alone. One day a year, well, if you've been reading this blog then you know why. This year, well this year, I'm again alone. Yeah, I had a girlfriend, but I broke it off. Don't ask about the details, but were still friends.

One thing I about our relationship, we were good together. She helped me realize many things about myself. Thing that I really didn't share with others. This that in a sense pissed me off because she wouldn't let it go. She forced me to take a hard look into myself.

I'm still working on picking up the pieces that's my life. Yeah, I thought I was better. I thought things were turning around, but maybe I'm lying to myself. I need help, but to be honest, I'm afriad to ask. I don't like feeling that I don't have control. Maybe that's even why I broke up with her...it was something that I could control. I needed to feel in control even if it was breaking up.

I know that I can lean on my friends and family, but I'm too scared to ask. I feel helpless in all this. I'll be honest, I don't think I ever really got over my depression, only masked it. I really haven't gotten over my ex-wife...only surpressed it. I still think to myself if I did things differently, could it have changed things. Yes, I have friends and family tell me that everything that happened isn't my fault, but isn't that what they're suppose to do? I'm glad that I'm divorced...it's what she wanted. I'm glad she's happier without me in her life, but how do I get happy?

Yesterday was Valentines Day, one of the "most romantic" days of the year. Well that's if your in a relationship, but for us single people out there, well it can get kind of depressing. One of my best friends came over last night...we talked, watched a bit of White Collar, but it just wasn't the same. My ex-girlfriend and I had plans to have a dinner last night...needless to say we didn't. I was still thinking of her though. I know I need healing time, and it wasn't really fair for me to drag her into my issues...no matter how much she wanted me to or willing to. I'm sorry it took so long for me to get this all out in the open, but it's hard for me.

Thanks for taking some time to read. This time next year, well let's hope all will be better.

It's official!

So Monday was my official date of my divorce. A friend once told me, "you never forget you're first. First kiss, first xxx, first divorce!" I honestly wish we could have parted ways still being friends, but there's just too much of a difference between us. I find this funny since we have been with each other for soooooo long. Alas, people change. Or in my case, didn't change.

My mom called me the other day to wish me congratulations on my divorce. I thought that was funny. Then she started to say that I should let her choose my next girlfriend, but stopped short if stating so. She realized that she did choose the ex, lol.

So what's happening, I'm finally moving out. I'm easing my hands of this entire thing. Walking away and never turning back. Today (actually Monday) will end this transitional chapter that I've been stuck in for way to long. My next post will be from my new place, where I can rebuild. To until next time.

Oops

<p>Checked out my paperwork...still married, well until the 24th that is. How I messed up on the date I haven't got a clue.</p>

The day its finally here!

Tomorrow it will be final. I will be officially divorced. I will no longer be attached to the women that I spent the last 3 years calling my wife. Looking back six months posted by fairly quickly.

Looking back, and rating all the things that I had written and recorded, both published and unpublished, I've come a long way. I've gone from my world tumbling down around me to actually being happy again. From crying (yes I'll admit to crying) every night to sleeping the whole night through. From being hurt and confused about what to do with my life to moving in a new direction.

Its amazing how much  can change in 6 months, but for now, I'll just stop here until everything is final. So until tomorrow.

Two weeks

Two more weeks and I'm a free man. Two more weeks and this chapter can be closed. Two weeks.

Also, have you ever noticed that after Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says W - T - F?

Really? Trying to have her cake and east it too!

As I've mentioned previously, I'm dating someone new, and she its dating the guy that was "just a friend." Most nights she doesn't even come home anymore. Well on a recent night, my girlfriend leaves and she happens to come home. And a situation develops.

She's getting 60 of the 60/40 split on the equity if the house, but expects me to pay 50% of the mortgage. What's that all about? I tell get that I'm going to only pay 40% since that us how much I'll be getting when the use is sold...she flips. She  saying that it isn't fair. That I'm home more often than she is and I bring my girlfriend over etc. Hey, I never told her not to come home. I never told her to spend nights at his house. It's get choice not to come home. Right?

She goes on to talk about how I'm immature and a bastard, and asked when I'm going to grow up. I don't get this whole thing. She then starts to bring up things from the past about how debts aren't getting paid that were in her name before we were married, and how unfair it is that she is paying for them, and that debts were paid when we were married, etc, again...I'm confused. Lost again. Everyone I deal with her, she makes new feel like I'm this bad guy for standing top for myself.

I really don't understand her. Does she really expect me to just give her everything? Is that wheawhat I'm suppose to do?

Shopping!

Shopping, something that men and women do very differently, generally speaking. Men tend to be 'get-in, get-out' style. Women on the other hand like to walk from store to store, look at every item, and try on every other. Now I'm not saying that one way or another is correct, or even that one style is better than another, there just different. As I posted on an earlier post, I've been slimming down. In the at slim down process, much of my wardrobe that fit me before, I know swim in. Shirts, pants, you name it, I'm swimming in it.I use to wear 36 waist pants, at first because it was the style that I wore, now even a 32" is loose after I eat. I'm slightly up in my weight to 170, but the inches keep coming off. I know I've hit that point where I've lost much of my fat (still have some), and muscle is developing. But I digress.

So with this weight lost, I've been in dire need of new clothes. I finally went with my brother from another other to his suit place. This place is truly a man's store. We walked in, and I told the sale rep what I was looking for, and in a matter of minutes, he was able to put together a look that I just fell in love with. No I don't have pictures...yet, but I'll update this post when I take some. The sales rep was a funny guy, telling me that I could get married in it, and I responded that I was getting divorced. At the moment, what seemed like everyone in the store came over to shake my hand. It was a joke...getting divorced, buy a suit. The best part of all this, the suit out the door with all the accessories was less than $300. I remember when I bought my first suit...it was close to $500, and wasn't even close to the quality that I got. They have truly gotten a new life time customer in me.

Buy a suit of this quality also means that you need to get it tailored. We walked around the corner, and in a small hole-in-the-wall place I got that taken cared of for $6! and I waited less than 10 minutes! Yes I'll tell you where I went at the end of this post. In addition to my clothes, I've recently gotten into hats.

Now I'm not talking ball caps or the like. I'm talking about fedoras. I've never been a real big hat guy, but I'll be damned I look good in them. I bought my first one in H&M on sale, and I'll be honest, it looked nice...now, well it's starting to look its $5. I went to C-town and got better quality ones in more styles and colors...now, well you'll see when I get the pictures up.

So to wrap this post up, yes women and men shop differently. Us men tend to spend less time getting the things we need, whereas women tend to spend more time looking for things that they don't. Men, don't get mad at your woman...understand that they is they way they are. Let her know that you're not into the long hours of shopping, but be kind about it. Occasionally go on a shopping trip with her, let her know that you're willing to do something you don't enjoy, just don't expect it all the time. And ladies, understand that your man might not enjoy shopping as much as you do, so cut him some slack from time to time. Enjoy the times he does go, but don't make him feel like a jerk when he doesn't.

So here's the places I mentioned above:

Roger Stuart Closthes

729 S Los Angeles St

Downtown

Los Angeles, CA 90014

Richard's Tailor Shop

111 E 7th St

Downtown

Los Angeles, CA 90014

A warm bed.

So this past week has been kind of hard. I haven't been sleep all that well. It started with waking up 30-60 minutes before my alarm was set to go off. I attributed this to the fact that the sun has been rising up earlier as well, so I tried keeping the blinds down so the sunlight wouldn't be so bright, but no luck...still up early. More recently, I've been waking up at 3 in the morning. No reason, just sometime in the 3 o'clock hour, I'd wake up. Again not sure what's causing this. The only thing that I can think of is I'm lonely.

For the last decade I've always had my ex in bed with me. Up until the separation, I could count on two hands the number of nights we weren't in the same bed. Now, I'm not writing this to say I want her back...I don't, but there something to be said about having a warm body in bed next to you. We're social creatures, and I, more than others I know, crave to be touched. With this divorce, I'm alone. I go to bed alone, and wake up alone. I actually crave physical contact. I'm not sure how to describe how I feel exactly because I'm not sure myself. I just know it's not a feeling that I enjoy.

Over time I guess this too will come to past, but I still felt that I should write about this. Keep a log, if you will, on my process through this adventure that we call life. The paper work has been signed by us both, and now we get to wait for a judge to sign off on everything...so once that happens, I'll be a free man.

The Divorce/Breakup Diet!

Over the years, in my very long relationship, I gained some weight. It happens in just about every long-term relationship I've seen. This isn't to say that it always happens, but I'll just say it happens more often than not. During my tenure with my ex I went from 160 to one 195 at my heaviest. Now I'm not blaming it on her, by far, I know it was me. Over the course of the years that we were together, we both over indulged ourselves with food and lack of physical activity. The pairing of the two did not go well together.

But, one great advantage of everything that has happened is that I've begun my transformation. I've gone from 195, my heaviest in December, back down to 169! I like to call it the Divorce/Break-up Diet! Its as if my body knows that its on the market again, and the 195 lbs, 25% body fat isn't attractive. Once I discovered the infidelity of my wife, and come to realize that there was no hope of saving the marriage, well my body went into the transitional stage that I'm in now. I began shedding the pounds, dropping my body fat percentage down to it's current 15%. I'm much more active now as well.

One of the great things that my ex introduced me to was The Bar Method. Now, just to be clear...I'm not getting any money to promote them or their studios. I just enjoy the classes, and I see results. It also doesn't hurt that the classes are primarily filled with women with great bodies! It helps to keep my motivated. OK, back to topic. Bar is a no-impact workout that focuses heavily on isometric contractions (exertion of force without a change in the length of the muscle or muscles exerting the force). Now I could go into details about all the benefits of the classes, but hey, if you want to know you can look it up.

Over the months, I've talked to a great many people about my situation, and I've heard from many back that they are also struggling with their relationships. Whether they're married, or just dating...it just seems that this isn't a good year for relationships. Well, at least for some people I know. Strange. However, one thing that I have noticed in common with these relationships, my own or others, everyone is in the divorce/breakup diet. My friends and I are trying to better ourselves, not for our partners or spouses. Not even for future partners, but for ourselves. I'm making changes for me. I'm making changes so I can live a healthier and more active lifestyle. One that I've been wanting to do, but have been held back.

So those out there going through a rough patch, get out there and get active. You don't have to go big, start small...maybe just walking for 20 minutes after dinner. Give yourself some me time, it's OK. Find things you always wanted to do and go do it. You don't have a partner to hold you back anymore...you're your own person living for yourself. See and feel your body change, and enjoy it for the better.