Singles Awareness Day (Valentine's Day)

Two years in a row, I'm spending this corporate America holiday alone. One day a year, well, if you've been reading this blog then you know why. This year, well this year, I'm again alone. Yeah, I had a girlfriend, but I broke it off. Don't ask about the details, but were still friends.

One thing I about our relationship, we were good together. She helped me realize many things about myself. Thing that I really didn't share with others. This that in a sense pissed me off because she wouldn't let it go. She forced me to take a hard look into myself.

I'm still working on picking up the pieces that's my life. Yeah, I thought I was better. I thought things were turning around, but maybe I'm lying to myself. I need help, but to be honest, I'm afriad to ask. I don't like feeling that I don't have control. Maybe that's even why I broke up with her...it was something that I could control. I needed to feel in control even if it was breaking up.

I know that I can lean on my friends and family, but I'm too scared to ask. I feel helpless in all this. I'll be honest, I don't think I ever really got over my depression, only masked it. I really haven't gotten over my ex-wife...only surpressed it. I still think to myself if I did things differently, could it have changed things. Yes, I have friends and family tell me that everything that happened isn't my fault, but isn't that what they're suppose to do? I'm glad that I'm divorced...it's what she wanted. I'm glad she's happier without me in her life, but how do I get happy?

Yesterday was Valentines Day, one of the "most romantic" days of the year. Well that's if your in a relationship, but for us single people out there, well it can get kind of depressing. One of my best friends came over last night...we talked, watched a bit of White Collar, but it just wasn't the same. My ex-girlfriend and I had plans to have a dinner last night...needless to say we didn't. I was still thinking of her though. I know I need healing time, and it wasn't really fair for me to drag her into my issues...no matter how much she wanted me to or willing to. I'm sorry it took so long for me to get this all out in the open, but it's hard for me.

Thanks for taking some time to read. This time next year, well let's hope all will be better.

Another Step Towards Freedom

I took another step towards freedom the other day, the disillusion of my marriage. The document has now been signed, dated, and notarized. Parts of me are still angry about this whole thing, but it's a healthy angry. I should be angry...my therapist said so. So now with the next step in the long process out of the way, the question becomes how much longer? Well, I don't have a definitive answer for that question, it's all up the the bureaucracy of our cash strapped government. The document needs to be reviewed by a judge and then signed off my him/her. Only then will this whole thing called marriage be over, well it's over, but not officially.

I'm reminded of a class I took way back in the very beginning of my undergrad program. The class was titled, 'Intimate Relations.' No, the class was not about how to be intimate with someone, but more on how relationships worked. It attempted to explain how people fall in love, fall out of love, and how some couples who seem to have nothing in common can profess to be in love at all. To illustrate the last point in particular; an older gentleman with a very young lady. Many of us would make an argument as to the validity of their love for one another, I'd argue that they do genuinely love each other, and here's why.

It all comes down to SPIT. If one person finds another person's SPIT desirable, they can genuinely fall in love with that person. On the other hand, once the SPIT is no longer desirable, they fall out of love. This concept is very simple of understand. Before I give you some examples, let me explain the meaning of SPIT. SPIT is an acronym for Socio-economic status, Physical appearance, Intellect, and Temperament.

Soceio-economic status refers to two things; wealth and position. When some desires one of those things and they fine someone that has this trait, then the begin to fall in love with them. It could the sense of security that one feels from being finacially secure, or maybe its the power and respect that is afforded to those in position of power. Whatever it is, someone desires this, and they will seek someone else that has this. Often times some people that have this desire are called "gold diggers" but when you talk to someone that truely desires these traits, it can be genuine love. This also explains how we can stop loving someone. Once this desired trait disappears or goes away, so does the love.

Physical appearence is obvious. We call do it. We look around and see a pretty woman, or a hunky guy (for the ladies that is, not my cup of tea), and we go ga-ga over how they look. Models, movie stars, singers, they all have an appearce about them that one group or another finds attractive. This is usually one of the first qualities of a person that we notice, and for you to deny that a persons physical appearences doesn't play a roll in whether or not you find someone attractive, you're lying to yourself. Now, I'm not saying that every person you have a relationship with must be a 10, but we tend to converse with those that are easier on the eyes more. Of all the attributes of SPIT, this one tends to be the one that changes the most. Let's be honest, our physical appearance is highly correlated to our age. So the older we get, the harder it is for us to stay attractive. I'm not saying we can't be attractive at an older age, but I'll say that we need to work harder and staying that way.

Intellect, one of the attributes that can sustain a long term relationship. Being able to have an intellectual conversation is important. Yeah, some one can be nice to look at, but what's the point if you can have a conversation? Think of a time when you met someone that was very attractive, then the opened there mouth and you just walked away. Or a time you were so unimpressed by a statement some made that just changed you whole persective on them. On the flip side, someone you me, you might not have thought of as being physically attractive, but over time you're able to connect on an intellectual level, and then feelings being to develop. When we connect on an intellectual level, our status in society may changem we can even get old and wrinkley, but the connection is still there.

Fianlly we have Temperment. This is another one of those long lasting attributes. How does this person react. Are they honest? Paticent? Short tempered? Quick to anger? Understanding or stubborn? These are the things that can make or break your relationship. Even if we find someone that has the attribute that we desire, let's say Socio-economic status, without intellect and/or temperament, what do we have? Nothing...we have a relationship that is based on status or material things. If that status or wealth disappears, so does the love.

So in my case, what happen? Well, that's a topic for another time, after I've had time to reflect on my own situation. All-in-all, I know that I'm closer today to this ordeal being over with, and I look forward to the day I can start the next chapter in my life.

Cheating, I didn't mean to.

So I was driving to work the other day and happen to be listening to a morning show on the radio (don't ask which one, I don't remember). The topic of the morning was cheating. This was brought on by the how Wiener sexting scandal. The morning personalities were discussing what would/should constitute cheating. Of course they had callers calling in with varying opinions, kissing, sexting, hugging, sex...it ran the entire gambit.

So this topic got me thinking, what is cheating?

Now I can't say my answer will be the definitive answer that everyone agrees with, but hey it's going to be my answer (its my blog so there, like it or leave it).

I remembered when my ex and I first got together all those years ago...and we had this issue with cybering. Cybering was the chat room equivalent to sexting today, minus photos. One night in particular I got up and notice that she was on the computer...I went over and she was cybering with someone...at the time, I got crazy. I didn't understand why she was doing that, and I felt very hurt. So why do I bring this up? Simple. What I consider cheating then, isn't necessary what I consider it now.

As I mentioned in my previous post [Less Social, technology is making us.], "Communication is key to keeping any relationship going, whether its romantic or platonic." If you communicate with your partner and make clear what you each consider cheating, then much headache can be avoided down the road. Let's be honest, we and human beings do not and can not know what each other are thinking. Sure we can infer, but that's still just a guess. Talk it out, make sure you both know what each other consider cheating. A good rule of thumb...if you wouldn't tell them what you wrote...maybe you shouldn't write it.

I can look at flirting and sexting and all the other things that people do out there as cheating...but let's be honest. Many of us do this as part of our habit...but what are the intentions? and have you had this discussion with your partner. If you haven't, maybe you should.

Six Stages of Relationships

Several people have been posting this on FB as of late, and first, it was very well done. Both actors in it are great. For me, the end of the line is coming. in 6 months (minus one day) I will no long be married.

It's been a rough 3 months, and I'll be honest, I'm sad to see it end. But I must move on. I'll still post here, and I'll love to continue to get the limited feedback that I've got from those that know me (their to shy to post it up for the world to see I guess).

Time to go...

What does this mean?

Confused. That's what I am right now. Some of you might be wondering why. Check out the picture, and tell me. What does this mean?

Honestly, everyday is a roller coaster ride for my emotions. I come home and she tells me there's no hidden meaning to this. WTF.

I'm feeling kind of down today. Not a 100% why, but this is a couples day, and I feel alone.