Alone on the trail

After a wonderful Friday evening, the plan was to get up for an early hike with a friend and sine of his students that he mentors. Unfortunately, he had car issues, so that plan got postponed. I didn't mine to much, as this past week has been tough, not getting enough sleep and all.


I did take a nap, and after waking up decided to go on a hike myself. So I packed up my stuff and drove of to do a trail that I haven't visited in awhile.


Getting to the top of Echo Mountain can be a trek. Two and a half miles of almost constant climbing. In the afternoon, little shade, and countless switchbacks.


I started my hike at four o'clock. The way up to the top is well marked and easy to follow. During the trip up, you're given several opportunities to see the San Gabriel valley down below. On this particular day, the smog is thick, but you can still make out DTLA.


I make it to the top in just over an hour and 15 minutes. When I get up there, there's only a few people at the top, and they're heading back down. This gives me an opportunity to spend some time at the top alone and by myself.



A take the time to meditate and reflect. Listening to the wind blow, the distant humming of cars far off. Birds chirping as they fly around in the beautiful late afternoon sky. As I spend the short time by myself at the top, others begin to trickle up. As I wait for the sun to set, more and more people come up. They begin to set up for what looks to be a potluck. People trekked up pizza, wine, chips and dips, jello shots, and so much more. People young and old, males and females, health and well the not so healthy. All meeting up at the top for some good eats and company. It was really nice to see.


As the sun began to set, I started taking my pictures. I got some amazing photos that I'll share. As I packed up to head down, one of the hikers asked if I was going to stay to get shots of the moon. Unfortunately I wasn't, but I kind of wished I had. Biggest and brightest Moon of the year...it would have been some great shots.


So making my way down, something confused me. Why would people go hiking and not be prepared for the hike. As soon as the Sun went down, it began getting dark and cold very quickly. As I made my way down, people I saw didn't have extra warm clothes or lights. One guy was even coming down on the dark trail using his smart phone as his light source. Needless to say I slowed down so he could follow me.


All in all I had a great time. I got to be alone to think and reflect. I might need to do more late night hikes when the Moon is out and full, but for now, I'll just enjoy the photos that I took.

Love Hurts

"Everyone says that love hurts, but that's not true.
Loneliness hurts, rejection hurts, losing someone hurts.
Everyone confuses these things with love but in reality,
Love is the only thing."
~ Student

So it's been several weeks now, and I'll be honest, like the first time around this time last year, being alone sucks. One of my students wrote the quote above, and to be honest, it's kind of true. I know I did the breaking up in my last relationship, but I'll be damned if I don't feel alone again. Yes, I know I should talk to someone about it, but how do you bring this up in conversation? I'm the one that truly messed up in the head. But live and learn. I need to move on. I need to get back to me. I need to get out and meet people. But how does one do that? I know I need to move on, but missing what I had, is that wrong? Damn, I really am messed up. I'm not sure what it is. Do I miss her? Or do I not want to be alone? Can it be that I'm so vain that I just miss being intimate, and I'm craving physical contact? Well, whatever it is, I don't like it.

I'm a social creature that craves physical contact, and when I don't get it, I feel hurt. But I have a great group of friends that are always willing to be there for me and help me through everything. I'm truly grateful for them all. Always calling, or checking up on me. Just knowing that they care enough to do that can flip my mood right around. I'd like to thank you all from the bottom of my heart. With you all by my side, I can weather through just about anything.

Singles Awareness Day (Valentine's Day)

Two years in a row, I'm spending this corporate America holiday alone. One day a year, well, if you've been reading this blog then you know why. This year, well this year, I'm again alone. Yeah, I had a girlfriend, but I broke it off. Don't ask about the details, but were still friends.

One thing I about our relationship, we were good together. She helped me realize many things about myself. Thing that I really didn't share with others. This that in a sense pissed me off because she wouldn't let it go. She forced me to take a hard look into myself.

I'm still working on picking up the pieces that's my life. Yeah, I thought I was better. I thought things were turning around, but maybe I'm lying to myself. I need help, but to be honest, I'm afriad to ask. I don't like feeling that I don't have control. Maybe that's even why I broke up with her...it was something that I could control. I needed to feel in control even if it was breaking up.

I know that I can lean on my friends and family, but I'm too scared to ask. I feel helpless in all this. I'll be honest, I don't think I ever really got over my depression, only masked it. I really haven't gotten over my ex-wife...only surpressed it. I still think to myself if I did things differently, could it have changed things. Yes, I have friends and family tell me that everything that happened isn't my fault, but isn't that what they're suppose to do? I'm glad that I'm divorced...it's what she wanted. I'm glad she's happier without me in her life, but how do I get happy?

Yesterday was Valentines Day, one of the "most romantic" days of the year. Well that's if your in a relationship, but for us single people out there, well it can get kind of depressing. One of my best friends came over last night...we talked, watched a bit of White Collar, but it just wasn't the same. My ex-girlfriend and I had plans to have a dinner last night...needless to say we didn't. I was still thinking of her though. I know I need healing time, and it wasn't really fair for me to drag her into my issues...no matter how much she wanted me to or willing to. I'm sorry it took so long for me to get this all out in the open, but it's hard for me.

Thanks for taking some time to read. This time next year, well let's hope all will be better.

Dejavu

Dejavu, that feeling or knowledge that you've done something before, or something happening and you feel that you've been through it. All those years ago, when I first started dating  my ex-wife, she had gone through a difficult time when her grandfather died. She was a mess, especially since she had just visited him less than a month before. She had a difficult time, and I was there for her. Fast forward to present day, and it's like dejavu.

My current girlfriend is going through the same thing. She just lost her grandfather, and she too just saw her grandfather less than a month before. I'm not trying to draw any parallels to the two relationships, as each are unique from each other. However, it did make me wonder if this is something that happens around me. Do I have some phantom that follows me around and offs grandfathers of those that I date? I'm not trying to make a joke, but it is something that I wonder.

I'm helping her focus...making sure that she gets to grieve, but still getting the things that needs to be done done. There will be time to grieve in a week...finals, get that done...I might sound cold, but it's the truth. The dead are dead...they'll still be dead when finals are done. I've lost people in my life as well, but things need to get done. We need to hold ourselves together to get them done, then we can grieve. When my father past, I had to keep it together. My family around me were heart broken, but I had to keep it together for my mother. She needed someone to be able to lean on, and so I was that rock. The foundation that kept her going, doing thing that needed to get done, even when we didn't want to.

Once again, I'm that rock. One more week, that's all. One week of keeping it together, then she'll be able to take the time that's needed for grieving. So for now, we got to take it one day at a time...slow and steady.

I finally moved out.

So last week I announced that I was officially divorced, this week, I'm moved out.

I'll be honest, I thought I could still live there in the house that we bought together. I thought that I could make due with being in the same house, even though she didn't sleep there anymore. I thought things would slowly get better for me, but ultimately, I wasn't happy. Sure I was in better shape than when I first started, but happiness was temporary. When I wasn't home, sure, my mind was elsewhere so it was easy to forget everything, easy to move on. However, I still had to come home at night. See the photos, the house, the rooms. Things that we bought together, our dog, which is now her dog.

In addition, I'll be honest, living there, I couldn't save any money. Everything that was divided, well turns out I've been paying for everything, mortgage, insurance, prop tax, everything. She was taking from me what I was suppose to be paying once a month, twice a month. Well, anyways, what's done is done. I'm out. Done. Finished.

Long run, this has got to be healthier for me right? I mean, staying there was driving me crazy. I felt uncomfortable in my own "home." People kept telling me that I needed to get out of there, and so now I finally have.I have my own place now. I have my own stuff. So begins a new chapter. A new part to this journey that is called life. I have my friends and my family, what more could I ask for.

It's official!

So Monday was my official date of my divorce. A friend once told me, "you never forget you're first. First kiss, first xxx, first divorce!" I honestly wish we could have parted ways still being friends, but there's just too much of a difference between us. I find this funny since we have been with each other for soooooo long. Alas, people change. Or in my case, didn't change.

My mom called me the other day to wish me congratulations on my divorce. I thought that was funny. Then she started to say that I should let her choose my next girlfriend, but stopped short if stating so. She realized that she did choose the ex, lol.

So what's happening, I'm finally moving out. I'm easing my hands of this entire thing. Walking away and never turning back. Today (actually Monday) will end this transitional chapter that I've been stuck in for way to long. My next post will be from my new place, where I can rebuild. To until next time.

Kids

I've always wanted my own kids. Having a "mini-me" running around playing. Watching them grow up. Having them ask you questions you have no idea how to answer because we as adults tend to over think everything. When I was younger, I had an huge hand in raising my brother that is 18 years my junior. Taught him how to read, took him to zoos and museums. Bought him books, and explored amusement parks, camping trips to Bryce Canyon, and just had tons of fun. I missed that...heck, I still do.


When I got married, I figured that I would sooner, rather than later, have a small bundle of joy to call my own, but I'm glad that we never had kids together. Now when the property is sold, and the divorce is final I'll be able to walk away and never have to have anything to do with her anymore.


I still want kids in the future, but I don't think it's going to be soon. I do enjoy kids though. I guess I'll have to just settle for other peoples kids to play with...huh, that could sound wrong....

A warm bed.

So this past week has been kind of hard. I haven't been sleep all that well. It started with waking up 30-60 minutes before my alarm was set to go off. I attributed this to the fact that the sun has been rising up earlier as well, so I tried keeping the blinds down so the sunlight wouldn't be so bright, but no luck...still up early. More recently, I've been waking up at 3 in the morning. No reason, just sometime in the 3 o'clock hour, I'd wake up. Again not sure what's causing this. The only thing that I can think of is I'm lonely.

For the last decade I've always had my ex in bed with me. Up until the separation, I could count on two hands the number of nights we weren't in the same bed. Now, I'm not writing this to say I want her back...I don't, but there something to be said about having a warm body in bed next to you. We're social creatures, and I, more than others I know, crave to be touched. With this divorce, I'm alone. I go to bed alone, and wake up alone. I actually crave physical contact. I'm not sure how to describe how I feel exactly because I'm not sure myself. I just know it's not a feeling that I enjoy.

Over time I guess this too will come to past, but I still felt that I should write about this. Keep a log, if you will, on my process through this adventure that we call life. The paper work has been signed by us both, and now we get to wait for a judge to sign off on everything...so once that happens, I'll be a free man.

Lost and alone, and mad as hell about it!

Not sure why. Everything was going great. The weekend  progressing fine. Then last night, I was overcome with a sense of anger, and got mad. Not sure at what or why. I just wanted to get up and beat the crap out of something...anything.

I wrote this long as email last night. Not really addressed to anyone, but I was able to get my thoughts out. I know I'm still angry about a lot of stuff. HIM, HER, the infidelity, how everything is hidden from everyone, how I play this game were I pretend everything is alright. I angry that SHE's been stringing me along all these years, leading me to believe that we had a chance. I'm angry that SHE still talks to HIM. I angry that they can act like nothing has happened. I'm angry that I'm angry.

I have all kinds of feelings running through me right now, and I don't know how to deal with it. I thought I was getting better. But I think I was just kidding myself. Lying to myself about my feelings. I fell so lost and alone. Frustrated with how I feel. Why can't I get over this? Why am I such a loser right now.

My marriage fell apart, I could even tell that SHE wasn't happy, my job sucks, and I can't find a new one. Money, well that's always going to be an issue. Can't refi the house, and got tons of debt.

I've only been in two relationships, and this was the most serious one. I've never really dated anyone but her and I'm worried about not knowing how to even date. It took me 4 years to get over my first relationship, and that one wasn't anywhere near as long, nor had the emotional investment that this one has. I feel doomed.

I've been told I'm still young, and I'm attractive, but how does that help me if I'm not confident enough to notice or act on it. Damn this is a long entry, thanks for reading.