Six Stages of Relationships

Several people have been posting this on FB as of late, and first, it was very well done. Both actors in it are great. For me, the end of the line is coming. in 6 months (minus one day) I will no long be married.

It's been a rough 3 months, and I'll be honest, I'm sad to see it end. But I must move on. I'll still post here, and I'll love to continue to get the limited feedback that I've got from those that know me (their to shy to post it up for the world to see I guess).

Time to go...

Word of the Day: Divorce

There are times in our lives when we experience something that changes our lives as we know it. A death in the family, a marriage, divorce. Three years ago, I experienced two of these life changing events. A death and a marriage. As my wife and I were planning for our wedding, my father (well, my step-father really, but he's been more of a father than my sperm donor) was very ill. A wedding is suppose to be one of the happiest moments in two peoples lives, but it was really hard to be happy when your father is literally dying. Now 3 years later, I'm getting a divorce.

Yes people, after 13 years of being with each other, my wife has decided that we can't be together anymore. I could sit here and explain how I wasn't caring enough, or I didn't talk enough, or treat her well, and got into arguments. I could talk about how I felt that this completely blindsided me, and how I never saw it coming. But I really wouldn't matter. I could blame her...talk about how I felt neglected by her. How she would rather have a deep conversations and hang out with the neighbor. I could talk about how she slept with the neighbor and hid it from me. How she created an elaborate scheme to get me to find out. But none of it matters. It's over.

Am I hurt...yes. Do I care, I'd be lying if I said it didn't. What honestly, what can I do? Nothing. I've talked, I've cried, I've done everything, and now it's over.

She's already found someone new. She's moved on. She's in love with someone else. Don't get me wrong, I still love her, but I have to let her go. I'm done with this. I can't keep hoping for something to happen, when I know nothing will come of it. I just hope that she can live with herself knowing what she's done to me. I hope he can live with himself knowing what he's done to me.

You can't say that I didn't make an effort. You can't say that I didn't try to work things out. But I can't do it by myself. So I hope you two can avoid the problems that you both had with your spouses, her with me, and him with ex.

Learn and make a better life for yourselves, but remember, Karma is a Bitch, and she will get hers.

A journey begins but with a single step.

Went to workout in the morning...came hope prep'd for dinner tomorrow, and then set about working on a presentation for a workshop I was doing. Finished that and then went to do some Judo with friends that I hadn't practiced in a very long time. It felt good to get back into it and teach again. Got to see people that haven't worked with each other in years. It was good. I'm going to start going on a regular basis.

After went and did the workshop. Had some technical difficulty with the power point presentation (didn't work) so I had to wing it. In the end, it worked out ok. So it wasn't a total loss.

As for my relationship, well its over. Divorce is really the only option that is left. I'm realizing that I can work on it as much as I want, but I can't do it by myself. I think I've grown so much as a person. I'm dealing with my problems, and to a point I've come to terms with my issues/problems. I know (for the most part) where I failed in this relationship, and I've been working on my shortfalls.

I still hurt, and the pain is still there, but I think I'm ready to move on. I mean, my friends, well they've attempted to communicate with both of us. Listened to both sides and held judgement until both sides were known. Only then do/did they offer advice or an ear to listen to the venting.

So now, I'm working on forgiving. I know its going too be a hard and long road ahead.

As the days turned into weeks, and weeks into months, I've come to terms with my lot.

Communication is the key

After over a decade of being together, its over. The life as I know it is gone. My world is turned upside-down. Even though I don't want to believe that its true, a line has been drawn in the sand. People will and have taken sides, and I'm afraid its going to get ugly.

For me, I feel like the big loser in all of this. I know that over time I'll heal, grow stronger, and even be a better person, but right now I still feel hurt. I mean I'm going to be losing a set of parents and a close extended family that I feel extemely close to. Definately closer than my own extended family. I'm losing my house, furniture, and other materialistic items, things that we worked hard to acquire. I'll be losing friends, well people I that I thought were my friends.

I don't know who came up with the saying, "the truth will set you free," because its just a big load of excriment. The truth. What a piece of bull___t that women tell you because they expect you to never tell them anything. I've been open, I've been honest, I've gotten rid of my secrets, but when I did all that, well, it just pushed her away more.

Maybe I'm just crazy. Maybe I'm just not looking at this the right way. What I can say though, commmunication is key. Doesn't matter if you say something that you don't think she (or he) doesn't want to hear. It doesn't matter if they're going to get mad, angery, or frustrated. Don't keep it in, don't bottle it up, don't avoid it. If you keep on doing that, well one day its all going to hit the fan, and then the mess will be too big. Talk to you significant other. Communicate your feeling and thoughts. Don't let what happen to me happen to you. Use me as a learning experience, so you don't have go through this pain.

Heed my words, and good luck.

Sunblock

Outside all day in the sun and forgetting to put on sun block makes me ever red. So, being a physical educator, I get the wonderful opportunity of being outside most of my workday. Now on most days I love it, however today was very sunny, and I forgot to put on my sunblock.

Now even with sunblock, I still have very wicked tan lines on my ankles, upper arms, thighs, and my neck. When I'm fully dressed, I look fine, but take of socks or a shirt, and I look very interesting. Over the years I've search high and low for an effective sun block, well one that won't break the bank to use in massive amounts. Alas, my search continues.

So if you know of a good one, let me know, my skin and I thank you.

Choosing side.

If you would have asked me a year ago about going to a therapist, I would have said I don't have any problems. By the way, anyone ever notice that if you broke up therapist is would say TheRapist? Ok back on topic, so therapists are like professional listeners. Well at least that how I see it. They are an impartial third party that doesn't have a vested interest in your concerns one way or another.

Ever since this whole thing started, my therapist has been there to listen to me. To give me advice on how to deal and cope with my situation. There were times I wish I could be told that everything was going to work out the way I wanted them to, but my therapist kept my eyes on the prize. Ultimately, the prize was for me to be able to move past this whole ordeal. Whether we got back together or went our separate ways, surviving was the goal.

So, what now? Well, how about an update.

As most of you know, I've come to realize that what happen between us isn't just her fault or my fault. We both share in the blame equally. Yes, many of us, myself included, saw what happen bewteen us as mostly if not all her fault, but that's not the case. I've come to realize that we've had problems for a very long while now...this situtation was just the physical manifestation of it. That said, I've moved on and have forgiven her. Some of you might think I'm crazy here, but I'd also like to be able to forgive him one day. I'm not there yet, but some time down the line I hope I can find it within me to be able to do that. Holding this anger can't help me in the long term.

Those that no us both, please, please don't take sides. We both feel bad enough without having more guilt from our friends. Speaking for myself, I'd like to remain friends with you all, but I understand if you feel the need to choose. I won't take it personally. I know that I'm not the most approachable guy in the world, and many of you have even called me an A-hole. But don't worry...I forgive you.

I need to move on...got people to do and things to see.

Karma's a Bitch

It's funny how things in life happen. I've always been a believer in the idea of karma. The belief that the things that you do in your life effect the things that happen to you. Some use the old adage of "what goes around, comes around" or something like that.

Recently I learned that the man that was the third in this whole triangle of conflict was injured pretty seriously. So much so that surgery was necessary to take care of many of the issues. Now I don't like this person, however, I don't wish him any ill will. If I did, there was much that I could have done long ago. By the same token, I don't have much sympathy for him either.

I've been informed that he really has no one, family or otherwise that is helping him through this. I maybe I should feel something, but really, I don't. The only person I know that is showing any concern is, well actually was might be a better term, my other half. Spending the night with him looking after him for three nights now.

Oh well, moving on.

Letting go, and moving on

So its been awhile since I've posted something, much due to me dealing with life, and everything that's been happening. So let me give you a recap of what's been going on...

For those that don't know, or just joining in the conversation, my wife and I are going through a separation. This is something that has been happening since January. Things happened, things were said, emotions were hurt, but all of that has now led to this.

Over the past several months I've gone through many stages, denial, anger, frustration, confusion, depression. Heck, at one point I was even contemplating suicide (only briefly no more thinking that, I like life too much). Anyways, part of me deep down kept blaming everything on the one thing or another, and then I blamed myself. Fact is, everything that happened, well it wasn't a result of one thing or another, it was a full combination of things that have been happening for years. Underlying problems that were never addressed, and was swept under the rug. Out of sight out of mind right? No, it doesn't work that way. Sweeping issues under the rug might seem to work for awhile, but let's be honest, eventually you'll have to clean under the rug, or its going to start feeling bumpy. At first, only you'll notice, but as more things get swept under, others will being noticing, and by the time you want to address it, well the mess might be to big.

So my advice, address the issue before it gets too big. Something bothering you, let the person know. Yes you might make it uncomfortable for you and them, but in the long run, I'll be for the better. If anything this experience has taught me that things are always as they seem. Ignoring the issue or problem doesn't make it go away, it only prolongs the inevitable. Deal with issues in the present. Problems won't go away on there own. You need to work at it.

As for love, yes, I still love her, and I'm sad, but I have to let her go. I need to let her move on, and I need to move on as well. Its too late for us at this point; we waited too long and the pain is still too fresh. But who knows what the future has in store, it is the beginning of a new chapter in my life. A chapter that we need will have to write alone. Its going to be difficult, I won't fake it. For me, well, I've never really been alone.

Hell, I'm terrified of venturing out into the world by myself, with no one there beside me. Sure, I have friends and family that love me, but at some point, I will have to deal with being alone. It's time, enough time has pasted that the pain is bearable. Like the old proverb (I think Chinese) said, "A Journey of a Thousand Miles begins with but a single step." Well, I'm taking that step.

To all those that have helped me through this trying time in my life, thank you. To those that have kept me going, thank you. For those that just listened to me talk for hours on end, or even in passing, thank you. Thank you for being there for me.