Love Hurts

"Everyone says that love hurts, but that's not true.
Loneliness hurts, rejection hurts, losing someone hurts.
Everyone confuses these things with love but in reality,
Love is the only thing."
~ Student

So it's been several weeks now, and I'll be honest, like the first time around this time last year, being alone sucks. One of my students wrote the quote above, and to be honest, it's kind of true. I know I did the breaking up in my last relationship, but I'll be damned if I don't feel alone again. Yes, I know I should talk to someone about it, but how do you bring this up in conversation? I'm the one that truly messed up in the head. But live and learn. I need to move on. I need to get back to me. I need to get out and meet people. But how does one do that? I know I need to move on, but missing what I had, is that wrong? Damn, I really am messed up. I'm not sure what it is. Do I miss her? Or do I not want to be alone? Can it be that I'm so vain that I just miss being intimate, and I'm craving physical contact? Well, whatever it is, I don't like it.

I'm a social creature that craves physical contact, and when I don't get it, I feel hurt. But I have a great group of friends that are always willing to be there for me and help me through everything. I'm truly grateful for them all. Always calling, or checking up on me. Just knowing that they care enough to do that can flip my mood right around. I'd like to thank you all from the bottom of my heart. With you all by my side, I can weather through just about anything.

Late yet again

So, I've never worked some where were they didn't have direct deposit. That said, where I an now doesn't have it. That means the boss, twice a month, had to get the check cut, signed and handed out to the employees. now there would be a problem if we actually got paid on time, with enough time to actually get to the back to make a deposit.

Alas, that's not the place I work at. Here, checks are rarely interested in. Someone please tell me. In California do employers have to pay employees by a certain time.

I remember in my first job, payday was every other Friday, and checks would be ready by noon...not so much now.

Singles Awareness Day (Valentine's Day)

Two years in a row, I'm spending this corporate America holiday alone. One day a year, well, if you've been reading this blog then you know why. This year, well this year, I'm again alone. Yeah, I had a girlfriend, but I broke it off. Don't ask about the details, but were still friends.

One thing I about our relationship, we were good together. She helped me realize many things about myself. Thing that I really didn't share with others. This that in a sense pissed me off because she wouldn't let it go. She forced me to take a hard look into myself.

I'm still working on picking up the pieces that's my life. Yeah, I thought I was better. I thought things were turning around, but maybe I'm lying to myself. I need help, but to be honest, I'm afriad to ask. I don't like feeling that I don't have control. Maybe that's even why I broke up with her...it was something that I could control. I needed to feel in control even if it was breaking up.

I know that I can lean on my friends and family, but I'm too scared to ask. I feel helpless in all this. I'll be honest, I don't think I ever really got over my depression, only masked it. I really haven't gotten over my ex-wife...only surpressed it. I still think to myself if I did things differently, could it have changed things. Yes, I have friends and family tell me that everything that happened isn't my fault, but isn't that what they're suppose to do? I'm glad that I'm divorced...it's what she wanted. I'm glad she's happier without me in her life, but how do I get happy?

Yesterday was Valentines Day, one of the "most romantic" days of the year. Well that's if your in a relationship, but for us single people out there, well it can get kind of depressing. One of my best friends came over last night...we talked, watched a bit of White Collar, but it just wasn't the same. My ex-girlfriend and I had plans to have a dinner last night...needless to say we didn't. I was still thinking of her though. I know I need healing time, and it wasn't really fair for me to drag her into my issues...no matter how much she wanted me to or willing to. I'm sorry it took so long for me to get this all out in the open, but it's hard for me.

Thanks for taking some time to read. This time next year, well let's hope all will be better.

First of the Month

"Wake up, wake up, wake up it's the 1st of the monthTo get up, get up, get up so cash your checks and get up"

Thirty-one days are gone. Amazing how fast that happened. Well, a few updates on my resolutions.


1) Finances are getting in order real quick. Summer is fast approaching and being a teacher, that means no checks.
2) Getting Ripped. Running a bunch! watching my diet, not dieting. Those "dimples" one gets right where the abs and hips meet, they're forming nicely.
3) Been focusing on me, and I'm doing better for it.
4) Slowly, but surely things are being donated, recycled, or tossed.


On a side note, I went back to airsofting for the first time in over a year...it was fun, but I don't think I'll be going back to HSP.

Hacked.

Hey all,

You might have gotten an email from me about joining twoo...I didn't send the email, and I want to say sorry if you got this email from me. Do not open the email, as I'm not sure what it's all about.

Sorry for the inconvenience.

New Year's Resoultions

Around this time every year, people all over begin to make a list for themselves. Often times it will include things that we take way or give up, eat less, lose weight, stop smoking, drinking, or some other substance. It also can be things that we want to do more; exercise more, save more, or laugh more. But often, these lists that we create for ourselves fall short in the end. "I'll start in the new year," is often the mantra that many aspire to. Why do we put so many things off until another day? If its something that we want to change why not start right now? I read somewhere once that "Procrastination is like masturbation.  At first it feels good, but in the end you're only screwing yourself." Not sure who wrote/said that, but how true that statement is.


So, what kind of resolutions do I have... There's a loaded question for myself. Well, this year I want to make changes for myself. I need to work on me, and focus on that. This is in every aspect. I have several things that need to be worked on.


For those that know me, you know that I'm working with some great people to try and open a charter school. This place is going to be crazy. Gone are the days where we only prepare our students for the "high stakes" tests that need to be administered to students. No, we're trying to bring education back to what it's really about...thinking. Yes, I know, so simple, yet its something that education had moved away from.


Wait, what was I talking about? Oh yeah, Resolutions. So I've come up with a few things.


1) Save Money. Now this might sound easy, but honestly, I have issues with this...I like to spend. However, now that I'm on my own, I got to budget better, and get a grip on my finances.


2) Get Ripped! Now most of us have a goal like this at the beginning of the year. "I want to lose weight, I want to get in shape, blah blah blah." Come on people, stop wanting and let's do this. I'm trying to workout 6 days a week, but at least 5. Nothing much, nothing crazy...just making sure to get at least 60 minutes of physical activity in everyday. Now the getting ripped part...well, I'm not sure I'm going to get it...but I'm going to by trying every day! So if you want a workout buddy...hit me up.


3) Focus on me. After so many years of being in a relationship with the same person, doing what I though I was doing to keep things smooth...well forget it...I'm looking out for number one. What this means, either get on for the ride, or get off...don't drag me down. Now this doesn't mean I won't work on the relationship that I'm in. It only means I'm not going to take shit like I did before. Sorry for the language.


4) Get rid of crap. I have a lot of crap that I just can't seem to let go of. Why am I hanging on to it? Well, it could be useful...right? Well, that something that I have to work on.


So there it is...my resolutions. I have 352 days to get this all done...unless the end of the world actually happens on 12/21, in that case does it really matter?

One month

So, I've been moved out for a month now, and holy cow, I have a lot of stuff. It amazes me how much stuff I have. Books, DVDs, camping gear, and pictures (along with frames). I have boxes that still haven't been put away because I need to figure out what to do with them all. I think I'm going to have to just donate much of the stuff. My Internet still hasn't been turned on...damn power outages and high winds.

Slowly, the place is coming together. Once everything is put together, I might have a house warming. For those that did help, thank you. Without your help, I wouldn't have been able to move so quickly.