Midnight rant

This really sucks. I'm so emo right now. I'm lost and confused, what am I to do? The love of my life doesn't want to be with me. I know that I need to let her go, but damn this hurts. Yes, I forgave her. I'm over that whole fact. I miss her. I still can't sleep at night. I get up early, our stay up late. I don't know how to deal with this.

It's never too late, right?

Yesterday, I told you all about my wonderful little book. Well over the course of the week, I read the whole damn thing, and decided that even though my "Pineapple" (some breast cancer awareness business in which you post a fruit, each fruit has a meaning and her's means "It's Complicated") wife says she just wants to be friends and isn't in-love with me anymore, well that's not going to stop me from showing her I still love her.

Yesterday was nice, we spent the entire day with each other. We worked out in the morning, went and got blood withdrawn for my physical, went to eat, I doctor for me (time for new contacts), got a mani/pedi with her (yes, I'm secure). Then we went home, and I made a delicious dinner of salmon with a side of Mash Potatoes with a tomato, orange, cilantro, green olive salad.

I've been trying to show her how much I still love her in her love language (gotta read the book, 5 Love Languages). I'm going to continue to do so. I know that we haven't been showing each love for a very long time. I want her to know how much I do love her. I want to show her how I can love her, and that I can show it to her, the way she needs to be shown.

Over the course of the next 6 months, this will be my goal. Not to reconcile, though that would be great. No, my goal is to show her in a way that she knows, that I truly do love her. And (I know, you can't start a sentence with and, sue me!) if we reconcile great...if not, at least I know that I've shown her that I love her, and I will know how to love someone that speaks this particular love language.

A new day...

So I've been reading this book that a co-worker suggested to me, it's called, "The 5 Love Languages" and out is an amazing book. To be honest I wish I would have discovered this book when all this happened. I'm afraid that this book has just come a little to late for me.

In the book the author, Gary Chapman writes about how over his many years in marriage counseling he discovered something amazing that explains why many marriages fail.

Like the title states there are 5 ways that we as people express our love to our loves ones. Think of these expressions as a language. We all know how to communicate with someone that speaks the same language as we do, but what if the person speaks something that we don't understand? Or what if they don't understand us?

This is where the book comes in. In it Chapman discusses how we tend to express love in the same easy as we would like it expressed to us. However, most of the time we the way we express love isn't the way that our loved ones are use to seeing, feeling, our noticing our love.

I'm not sure if any of these lessons are going to help me in my relationship, but I do know that ij save gained priceless knowledge from reading it.

Lost and alone, and mad as hell about it!

Not sure why. Everything was going great. The weekend  progressing fine. Then last night, I was overcome with a sense of anger, and got mad. Not sure at what or why. I just wanted to get up and beat the crap out of something...anything.

I wrote this long as email last night. Not really addressed to anyone, but I was able to get my thoughts out. I know I'm still angry about a lot of stuff. HIM, HER, the infidelity, how everything is hidden from everyone, how I play this game were I pretend everything is alright. I angry that SHE's been stringing me along all these years, leading me to believe that we had a chance. I'm angry that SHE still talks to HIM. I angry that they can act like nothing has happened. I'm angry that I'm angry.

I have all kinds of feelings running through me right now, and I don't know how to deal with it. I thought I was getting better. But I think I was just kidding myself. Lying to myself about my feelings. I fell so lost and alone. Frustrated with how I feel. Why can't I get over this? Why am I such a loser right now.

My marriage fell apart, I could even tell that SHE wasn't happy, my job sucks, and I can't find a new one. Money, well that's always going to be an issue. Can't refi the house, and got tons of debt.

I've only been in two relationships, and this was the most serious one. I've never really dated anyone but her and I'm worried about not knowing how to even date. It took me 4 years to get over my first relationship, and that one wasn't anywhere near as long, nor had the emotional investment that this one has. I feel doomed.

I've been told I'm still young, and I'm attractive, but how does that help me if I'm not confident enough to notice or act on it. Damn this is a long entry, thanks for reading.

Still in denial, working to find me

All the little things that she still does for me, like gives me hugs, says "I love you," or holds my hand and other signs of affection, its been making it hard for me. On one hand, I'm glad she's doing it because I miss her so much, but on the other, it gives me a sense of hope. This sense of hope is then crushed every night when we go to our separate rooms to go to sleep.

We went to our third therapy session the other night, and I had thought I made some progress, but it turned out that it was in the wrong direction. I had gotten her to agree to putting this on hold in terms of us, so we can work on ourselves individually, then see if we can attend to us after. The therapist, however, said that that would be backwards. We need to commit to the marriage first, and work on that then ourselves.

Needless to say, she said, "she doesn't see it." It being us together any more. I have to say, I have major issues that I need to work though. I get that. To me though, its hard. Its hard knowing that I'm working so hard to make amends. So hard to be a new man. So hard to communicate in a way that I haven't ever in my lifem and now I have to stop. My bestests (not sure if that's even a word) friend in my entire life, and I can talk to her anymore.

I know that if we don't reconcile our marriage, we will have to cease being friends all together. There's no way that one future relationship that either of us have will be confortable with the level of communication we'd have. Or the level of intimacy that we've shared. What man or woman would be able to fully trust one of us being alone with each other. Hell I wouldn't. I'd constantly be thinking if they were hooking up. Its just too hard to forget that level of emotion that two people once had for each other.

So, I'm seeking professional help (no not a hooker or escort) from the therapist. I'm going to be there by myself now. She'll still come in every now and then, just to see how we're doing as a couple. I have to learn to transition now. This is going to be another stage in my life. One were I'm going to be growing as a man and person. Its going to be long and bumppy, but in the end hopefully, it'll be for the better. I just hope that I can get through this.

Until my next entry, I'm just gonna take it day by day.

What does this mean?

Confused. That's what I am right now. Some of you might be wondering why. Check out the picture, and tell me. What does this mean?

Honestly, everyday is a roller coaster ride for my emotions. I come home and she tells me there's no hidden meaning to this. WTF.

I'm feeling kind of down today. Not a 100% why, but this is a couples day, and I feel alone.

Must all good things come to an end?

The plan was to go with a friend and his family to disney, along with my separated wife. If you didn't caught the last post, let me recap with a really short version. She invited HIM to Disney with us last night. I was very uneasy with that. I told her that last night, but we both were so tired, it didn't register with her. It did this morning however when the told her the same thing. Then she realized what she did.

Ok, back on topic. My friend calls us after 2 to let us know that he won't be able to come, so it turns out that its just going to be the two of us. It was very nice, and I had a good time. We watch a show, rode a couple of rides and had an All-You-Can-Eat BBQ for dinner. We got to talk, and to be honest, just have a pleasant time in each others company.

As the night came to an end though, I started getting sad. I was remembering all the great times we had there, running around trying to get on as many rides as possible, to the days after we got annual passes and just took it to a more leisurely pace when we visit. This trip just brought back all these memories. It was kind of painful.

Today could be classified as a good day for me, but alas, all good things come to an end, and the end is now here. We're back at home now, and we have to spend our nights apart. Getting back to our separatings lives.

So what happened?

Alright, so I went to this thing. Now I have to say that the friend that invited me over for dinner, well she doesn't know about what happen between HIM and I. She only knows that some how he plays a role in why we're separated. She thinks that it's because they were getting too close, little does she know.

So, as I said in the previous post, she was keeping both of us HIM and I both apprised to the situation, what we each were deciding in terms of going or not. She contacted him to let him know that I was coming over as well, and she told me he was feeling uneasy also. Heck all three of us were. I honestly didn't know how I was going to react. I love my wife, truly. I don't see a life without her. But maybe were just meant to be really good friends, maybe we aren't suppose to be lovers in the biblical sense. I don't know. But I digress, back to the topic.

When we get to her house, I saw his car parked out front. My chest gets just a bit tighter, but my heart rate didn't go up. Trust me I stopped to checked. We got to the front door, and I saw him through the window sitting with his kids. Yes he was married and has two kids, but the kids are great...spoiled but great none the less. I even miss them a bit, except for the nagging part.

So in I go. I greet everyone there (well almost everyone) and I'm glad HIS kids are there...I know I wouldn't do anything in front of those kids. I told my wife I'd be very close to her this evening, and I might even need to lean on her for some support. It was awkward the entire night. I spent most of the night avoiding looking at him, talking to him, just about anything to do with him. He asked me about my leg, and I answered, politely. No one at the house knows the events that had transpired all those weeks ago.

Now some of you in cyberspace might be asking yourself, why in his right mind would he do this? He's insane! The only answer I have for you all is a simple one. I love her. He's her friend, and well, I don't want to make her choose. She says he's been helpful through her struggles, and as much as I despise him, I can't argue that.

On the drive home, I told her that I was uncomfortable the whole time there. I'm not sure if I felt more like a predator waiting to pounce or if I was prey, ready to run. I do know that I wasn't calm again until we left, and I was driving home. I told her that I was a bit frustrated. She asked why, and I told her.

We planned an outing today with a friend and possibly his family (no not the same guy), and she took the liberty of inviting him and his kids! That made me very uneasy, and I told her so. I know I took a huge step in just being in the same house as him (its a huge house), but I really didn't want to push my comfort level, and anxiety levels. She apologized. I told her that it was a test for me. I don't want to make her choose between me and him, not right now.

One day at a time.

A good day.

So the night before last wasn't so good. She and I argued, something that I've been wanting her to do. Tell me, yell at me, just express yourself to the fullest. Tell me what's bothering you! Well you now that old adage, "Becareful what you wish for." Well they weren't kinding when they came up with that.

I finally saw a side of her that I though I wanted to see. A side that I though would help her express and me to understand. However, that's not what I saw. I saw pain, torment, and struggle. The pain of her yelling at someone she loves, the torment of being someone that she isn't, and struggling with inner demons.

Once I saw this, that moment, I decided that I never ever want to see that on her face again. Never do I want to be the root or cause of such suffering again. After all, I still love her, very deeply.

So we hung out yesterday, had breakfast, caught up with some TV. Went to vist a friend in Santa Monica, which lead to me being invited to dinner at the friends house.

We were heading out back home to get something that was forgotten...on the long traffic filled Saturday night drive home, she gets a call. It our friend, she just found out the HE is going to be there, her mother invited him. So she turns and tells me. Asks if I'm ok. Well the rest of the drive home I kept debating whether or not to go...I wasn't sure if I was ready to see him face to face. HE's informed that I've been invited also...and HE's not sure if he wants to go now.

So go or stay? I went. Now I know some of you think I'm crazy, and I think I might be too...check back to see what happened.

One day at a time.

I think I'm in the denial stage. Been reading this book, Surviving Infidelity, and that's what symptoms I see. She's further along in her recovery, but I'm just starting out. I have the need to try to work thing out, but she's moved on. She has told me that at this point in time, that isn't going to happen. Maybe down the line way in the future, but right now...right now it's no.

Such a small word no. Two letters, yet so huge in meaning. It's been awhile since this all happened, and I could tell the story again from my point of view, but hell, what for? I'm just going to hurt myself again. I need to move on...I know that. We have to live our separate lives.

I need to make new friends. Friends that I don't have to explain why this happened. I need to keep busy, but to be honest, I don't know how. After so much time, and our lives so interwoven with each other, how do I do that?

I'm afraid of being alone. I'm afraid that I'm loosing someone so close to me. My Best Friend. She's still the only one I can really talk to.

We're going to continue to go to therapy. We both can benefit from understanding how this all happened. Like she said, we need to get through this so we can learn from it, so we don't do this in our next relationship.

I know I can make. I have to. There's no other choice.

So, one day at a time...that's how I'm going to have to take it.

My Issues Again

So, by know some of you might have figured it out, while others (who ever you are) might not have a clue, but ultimately, my partner of 13 years has called it quits. Wants to leave our past behind us and move on with our lives, separately. Why some might ask, well that's a long story.

I'll give you all the abbreviated version. I come to find out that my partner is cheating on me via snooping around in an email account. I find a message discussing a mid-day rendezvous that occurred while I was at work. I confront my partner later that evening, and there was no denying it.

I of course get pissed, one for it actually happening, and to it was with a neighbor! One that purportedly was my "friend." I then learn that it had happened a total of 3 times! and only the most recent one was the documented one. Now after being with each other for 13 years, I decided that to throw it all away was a waste. Things could be worked out, so we made an appointment to seek help from a professional.

We attend our first session, and I feel it went great. The following day however, I get a second confession from my partner...everything, the elaborate story of infidelity was mostly, 99.9%, made up. There was only one instance of cheating, and it was a ops, we shouldn't do this moment, according to my former partner.

I forgive again. I really want us to work out. I even understood why it was done. To me everything was going great, I didn't even know that there was a problem, so this was a shocker to get me to agree to seek help. It worked, so I stayed.

So here's where things get tricky. After that session, we are going good, when I get this sense of distrust about me. I felt that my partner was still communicating with the person who was involved in the cheating. So I did something that I said I wasn't going to do, I attempted to check the email account again. The moment I tried to do it...I regretted. I wanted to be honest and open with my communication with my partner, so I confessed what I'd done.

This, as it turns out, was the straw that broke the camels back. My partner felt betrayed. Felt that this was unacceptable. The trust that I should have had for my partner wasn't there, so it was at that moment that it was decided that it was over between us. This was a decision by me, but my partner.

I feel horrible. I messed up. The initial cheat was because I wasn't communicating, I wasn't listening. I'd snap and yell when I didn't want to discuss a particular topic. So the cheating story was to get me to go to seek help. This time it was a lack of trust on my part.

Then I came to a conclusion. I tend to internalize everything...I'm not very vocal about my thoughts, that's just who I am, but my partner, well total opposite...needs to vocalize, needs to talk things out, need to communicate. The problem then became that my partner stopped doing that. I didn't know we had problems, I wasn't told. We as a people aren't mind readers right? We need to be told when there's an issue. We need information to guide us. So I came to the conclusion that it was my partner's fault. My partner acted out of character by not doing what they needed to do. Talk, verbalize, communicate, none of those thing happened.

So we make it to our next session, and well, the therapist was in for a shocker. We had decided to separate. We'd still remain in the same home, but sleep in separate rooms. We'd still do things together, but we wouldn't sleep with each other (not a thing that I like). We'll remain friends to help each other through this, as we still love each other, well my partner says, "not in that way".

The therapists says I have mommy issues (who doesn't), and that I need to learn how to be affectionate, and how to love and be loved. Growing up, I had issues with mommy dearest. Being the oldest, and of a single parent, didn't get that nurturing love that we're suppose to get. I got yelled at for showing emotion, "suck it up, boys don't cry" and other things that have damaged me.

So, the relationship breakdown...my fault once again.

Its too late.

As kids were taught to always tell the truth. The truth will set you free. If you tell the truth, you'll feel better. All i have to say is BULLSHIT!

So I made a mistake, and I felt bad for doing it, so I tell myself, you need to come clean. Tell the truth, and everything will work out. So let me give a little back story here.

I find out that a particular person has been lying to me about a something...I figure that its not only there fault, but partially mine as well. So we attempt to work it out. Things seem to be going good, then i get this weird feeling...so I follow my gut. Turns out my gut is wrong.

So fast forward back to the present, I go to admit to my wrong doing. Clearly I'm trying to atone for my mistake by telling the truth, by being open and honest, something that they wanted. But alas, it wasn't what they wanted. I should have kept this tidbit to myself.

Moral of the story. Telling the truth just brings a whole host of problems.