The Divorce/Breakup Diet!

Over the years, in my very long relationship, I gained some weight. It happens in just about every long-term relationship I've seen. This isn't to say that it always happens, but I'll just say it happens more often than not. During my tenure with my ex I went from 160 to one 195 at my heaviest. Now I'm not blaming it on her, by far, I know it was me. Over the course of the years that we were together, we both over indulged ourselves with food and lack of physical activity. The pairing of the two did not go well together.

But, one great advantage of everything that has happened is that I've begun my transformation. I've gone from 195, my heaviest in December, back down to 169! I like to call it the Divorce/Break-up Diet! Its as if my body knows that its on the market again, and the 195 lbs, 25% body fat isn't attractive. Once I discovered the infidelity of my wife, and come to realize that there was no hope of saving the marriage, well my body went into the transitional stage that I'm in now. I began shedding the pounds, dropping my body fat percentage down to it's current 15%. I'm much more active now as well.

One of the great things that my ex introduced me to was The Bar Method. Now, just to be clear...I'm not getting any money to promote them or their studios. I just enjoy the classes, and I see results. It also doesn't hurt that the classes are primarily filled with women with great bodies! It helps to keep my motivated. OK, back to topic. Bar is a no-impact workout that focuses heavily on isometric contractions (exertion of force without a change in the length of the muscle or muscles exerting the force). Now I could go into details about all the benefits of the classes, but hey, if you want to know you can look it up.

Over the months, I've talked to a great many people about my situation, and I've heard from many back that they are also struggling with their relationships. Whether they're married, or just dating...it just seems that this isn't a good year for relationships. Well, at least for some people I know. Strange. However, one thing that I have noticed in common with these relationships, my own or others, everyone is in the divorce/breakup diet. My friends and I are trying to better ourselves, not for our partners or spouses. Not even for future partners, but for ourselves. I'm making changes for me. I'm making changes so I can live a healthier and more active lifestyle. One that I've been wanting to do, but have been held back.

So those out there going through a rough patch, get out there and get active. You don't have to go big, start small...maybe just walking for 20 minutes after dinner. Give yourself some me time, it's OK. Find things you always wanted to do and go do it. You don't have a partner to hold you back anymore...you're your own person living for yourself. See and feel your body change, and enjoy it for the better.

Family, can't live with them, but what would you do without them?

Throughout our lives we have many decisions to make; who to be friends with, boyfriends, girlfriends, where to go to school, where to live, what kind of car to buy, shopping, clothing, all sorts of choices that we must make. It is with these choices that we live our lives, day in and day out. We have to deal with the consequences, whether good or bad, they are ours, and we have no one to blame but ourselves. However, one thing that we don't have a choice about is family.

Family is one of those things that we can't really do anything about, kind of like taxes and death. We can try and avoid them, but they're always there. We can run away, but they're always there. One of the things that I was dreading the most when the ex and I decided to go our separate ways was telling my family. I was ashamed of myself.

I didn't want to have to explain the situation. Explain the who, what, when, where, why and how to them. I didn't want to deal with it. Like I said, I was ashamed. I felt much of all that was happening was my fault. This is how I felt when this was happening. Eventually, after a good period of time, I was able to let my brothers know. They were the first in my family to know. I didn't want them to tell my mother, so I told them not to, I wanted to do it. My mom was out of the country at the time.

By the time she came back home, I was ready to tell her. By then I had already begun my process of accepting what happened. Was dealing with moving on and forward with my life. When I finally told her, she accepted my explanation and asked me what I wanted to do. When, she accepted my reasoning...my chosen course. This is why we can't live with them, but without them is out of the question. Love your family, and let them know you love them.

To All My Fathers

I was ten when my father left us; mother and 3 boys, 10, 8, and 5. He left us with nothing...no money, no car, nothing. Growing up, my mother did her best, but we still had no father. Sure he visited on the Sundays in the beginning, but that stopped almost as soon as it started. My mother had a boyfriend, and he tried to be a father...but I never saw him as one. However, there has been 4 men in my life that I would consider as my fathers, or father figures.

First was Sabumnim, my Taekwondo instructor. From the time I was 13 until I went into college he was there for me. He spent time with me, and taught me not only Taekwondo, but what it was to be a man. Camping trips, sleepovers, tournaments, or sometimes just hanging out at 7-11. He helped me through my impressionable youth and kept me on the right path. For that I thank you.

Next, after going to college I met another man that has had a great influence on me...Sensei, my judo instructor. This man took me under his wing, guided me through the part of my life that we call adulthood, but yet I was still seeking guidance. Through him I learn much of what I know now about survival, health, wellness, and now I strive to perfect my character. I hope that I can be like him when I get to be his age. Thank you for teaching and guiding me in my path of becoming a great teacher.

My Father-in-law (unfortunately soon to be ex). This man took me in when I had no where to go. He treated me as his own son. We would have meaningful conversations about anything under the sun, or just sit and play Columns on the the Sega Genesis. Always patience, and never violent. He treated his family with nothing but respect, and loved and cared for everyone. You have given me an image of marriage that I will aspire to achieve in my future relationships. I know that even though you are still here among us that we will not see or talk to each other much if ever again, and for that I am sad.

Finally, my step-father, who was more a father to me than my own biological father ever had been. This man took in a women that already had 3 boys (16, 14, and 11) and treated them as his own. Taught us, raised us, provided for us. He wasn't like most other dads, taking us to ball games, or throwing the ball out in the yard/park. But one thing he did do...he loved all of us. Not just his new wife, my mother, but all of us.

One of the hardest things in my life that I've had to deal with was his death. I literally watched as he died. During his time dealing with his illness, he was living with me and my fiance at the time (the soon to be ex)...it was difficult for me...seeing him have is bad days and good ones. Listening to this man struggle to walk up my stairs, or eat his food. I'll always have fond memories of him, and I miss him dearly. He was taken from us to early.

The hardest thing this year for me...well, I'm loosing another father. I have a feeling once everything is finalized (divorce) I'll never hear from my father-in-law again. The idea of this also saddens me, but there's nothing that can be done. So, on this Father's Day, Happy Father's Day to all you fathers out there.

"How are things going?"

I've been getting this question quite frequently lately. "So, how are things going?" And lately, my answer has been "Great." However, I've been thinking...am I really doing great? Have the past six months really led me to feeling great? Have I really moved on from all the pain, anger, confussion and a whole host of other emotions?

That's the question that I've been asking myself as of late. Has my trust and faith in someone be ripped away from me? Being lied to my face, then and now, "friends" betraying my trust. Can I and have I really gotten over it? That's the question I keep asking myself.

I've been thinking about this over the past few weeks, and the answer is yes. Yes, I'm over it. This is not to say that I don't think or talk to her anymore, but it's minimal. Mostly, taking care of various things, nothing more. Well at least not for me. I spend time working out, hanging out with friends. Meeting new people and having meaningful intellectual conversations with them. In all honesty, I feel great.

I'm happy. I feel, in a way, free. OK, how about more free? Regardless, I changing who I am. I feel better about who I'm becoming. I'm not suppressing myself anymore. I'm getting back to my "roots." Could this be denial? Maybe, ask me in another few months, but right now...I'm feeling and doing great.

When Life Gives You Lemons

I came across this picture and I thought it was the funnest this I'd read in quite awhile. If you've been following my blog, you know what I've been through these past few months. I'll say that it was a total emotional roller coaster ride with ups and downs.

Life had given me lemons, and to be honest, these were some sour lemons. I tried to rationalize it, to justify it. I joked about it, laughed at it, but ultimately I had to get mad at it. It wasn't until I got mad (I have since gotten over it) that I was then able to move on. Making lemonade is great when your given lemons in life. The problem is that making your lemonade doesn't stop the problem of life serving up some more lemons. You have to get mad. And after you do, well, that lemon tree with be gone...you won't have to worry about the lemons messing with your taste buds again. At least from that tree.

So get mad, it's ok. Get mad let that help you make things right.

Cheating, I didn't mean to.

So I was driving to work the other day and happen to be listening to a morning show on the radio (don't ask which one, I don't remember). The topic of the morning was cheating. This was brought on by the how Wiener sexting scandal. The morning personalities were discussing what would/should constitute cheating. Of course they had callers calling in with varying opinions, kissing, sexting, hugging, sex...it ran the entire gambit.

So this topic got me thinking, what is cheating?

Now I can't say my answer will be the definitive answer that everyone agrees with, but hey it's going to be my answer (its my blog so there, like it or leave it).

I remembered when my ex and I first got together all those years ago...and we had this issue with cybering. Cybering was the chat room equivalent to sexting today, minus photos. One night in particular I got up and notice that she was on the computer...I went over and she was cybering with someone...at the time, I got crazy. I didn't understand why she was doing that, and I felt very hurt. So why do I bring this up? Simple. What I consider cheating then, isn't necessary what I consider it now.

As I mentioned in my previous post [Less Social, technology is making us.], "Communication is key to keeping any relationship going, whether its romantic or platonic." If you communicate with your partner and make clear what you each consider cheating, then much headache can be avoided down the road. Let's be honest, we and human beings do not and can not know what each other are thinking. Sure we can infer, but that's still just a guess. Talk it out, make sure you both know what each other consider cheating. A good rule of thumb...if you wouldn't tell them what you wrote...maybe you shouldn't write it.

I can look at flirting and sexting and all the other things that people do out there as cheating...but let's be honest. Many of us do this as part of our habit...but what are the intentions? and have you had this discussion with your partner. If you haven't, maybe you should.

Less Social, technology is making us.

The down fall of civilization as we know it? It's interesting that with the amount of connectivity we all have with all of our wonderful gadgets and gizmos, that I feel that as a society we are very far apart from one another. One of the things that contributed to my relationship downfall was this very fact. I'm not one to place the blame solely on one or another, however, one of the points that I made while we were attempting to reconcile was this very point.

In the time leading up to our separation and eventually filing for divorce, I noticed that we didn't spend very much time together communicating, even though we lived together, drove around to and from places together and saw each other everyday. Case in point, usually I'd drive us around, if we had to go somewhere. During these car rides, she would be texting/chatting /FBing the entire time. I was lucky to get a word or two out of her. I should have really noticed something was up when she would let whomever she was chatting with know that I was not looking and reading over her shoulder...much like kids would do when chatting with friends at home and an parent walked in.

So, are our smart phones working against us to make up less social with those around us? Next time you're out and about, look around. How many people are sitting right next to each other at the same dinner table. How many are actually having conversations with each other? How many are spending a majority of there time looking at their phone instead of the person right across from them? Let this be a warning signs folks. Communication is key to keeping any relationship going, whether its romantic or platonic. So be social, and stop using social media as your means of being social.