Love Hurts

"Everyone says that love hurts, but that's not true.
Loneliness hurts, rejection hurts, losing someone hurts.
Everyone confuses these things with love but in reality,
Love is the only thing."
~ Student

So it's been several weeks now, and I'll be honest, like the first time around this time last year, being alone sucks. One of my students wrote the quote above, and to be honest, it's kind of true. I know I did the breaking up in my last relationship, but I'll be damned if I don't feel alone again. Yes, I know I should talk to someone about it, but how do you bring this up in conversation? I'm the one that truly messed up in the head. But live and learn. I need to move on. I need to get back to me. I need to get out and meet people. But how does one do that? I know I need to move on, but missing what I had, is that wrong? Damn, I really am messed up. I'm not sure what it is. Do I miss her? Or do I not want to be alone? Can it be that I'm so vain that I just miss being intimate, and I'm craving physical contact? Well, whatever it is, I don't like it.

I'm a social creature that craves physical contact, and when I don't get it, I feel hurt. But I have a great group of friends that are always willing to be there for me and help me through everything. I'm truly grateful for them all. Always calling, or checking up on me. Just knowing that they care enough to do that can flip my mood right around. I'd like to thank you all from the bottom of my heart. With you all by my side, I can weather through just about anything.

Late yet again

So, I've never worked some where were they didn't have direct deposit. That said, where I an now doesn't have it. That means the boss, twice a month, had to get the check cut, signed and handed out to the employees. now there would be a problem if we actually got paid on time, with enough time to actually get to the back to make a deposit.

Alas, that's not the place I work at. Here, checks are rarely interested in. Someone please tell me. In California do employers have to pay employees by a certain time.

I remember in my first job, payday was every other Friday, and checks would be ready by noon...not so much now.

Singles Awareness Day (Valentine's Day)

Two years in a row, I'm spending this corporate America holiday alone. One day a year, well, if you've been reading this blog then you know why. This year, well this year, I'm again alone. Yeah, I had a girlfriend, but I broke it off. Don't ask about the details, but were still friends.

One thing I about our relationship, we were good together. She helped me realize many things about myself. Thing that I really didn't share with others. This that in a sense pissed me off because she wouldn't let it go. She forced me to take a hard look into myself.

I'm still working on picking up the pieces that's my life. Yeah, I thought I was better. I thought things were turning around, but maybe I'm lying to myself. I need help, but to be honest, I'm afriad to ask. I don't like feeling that I don't have control. Maybe that's even why I broke up with her...it was something that I could control. I needed to feel in control even if it was breaking up.

I know that I can lean on my friends and family, but I'm too scared to ask. I feel helpless in all this. I'll be honest, I don't think I ever really got over my depression, only masked it. I really haven't gotten over my ex-wife...only surpressed it. I still think to myself if I did things differently, could it have changed things. Yes, I have friends and family tell me that everything that happened isn't my fault, but isn't that what they're suppose to do? I'm glad that I'm divorced...it's what she wanted. I'm glad she's happier without me in her life, but how do I get happy?

Yesterday was Valentines Day, one of the "most romantic" days of the year. Well that's if your in a relationship, but for us single people out there, well it can get kind of depressing. One of my best friends came over last night...we talked, watched a bit of White Collar, but it just wasn't the same. My ex-girlfriend and I had plans to have a dinner last night...needless to say we didn't. I was still thinking of her though. I know I need healing time, and it wasn't really fair for me to drag her into my issues...no matter how much she wanted me to or willing to. I'm sorry it took so long for me to get this all out in the open, but it's hard for me.

Thanks for taking some time to read. This time next year, well let's hope all will be better.